I was gonna say: somebody done made me sad.
but then I realized: no one can make you anything.
SO…my inherant optimism…you know, the thing that makes me forget that 99% of the population are asses, kicked my own damned butt today.
SO… I done made myself sad.
(oh, I missed my bad word quota…I left out poop, fuck, and cunt, well, there you go! all mo betta now.)
Sting – Shadows In The Rain
I woke up in my clothes again this morning
I don’t know exactly where I am
And I should heed my doctor’s warning
He does the best with me he can
He says I suffer from delusion
But I’m so confident I’m sane
It can’t be an optical illusion
So how can you explain
Shadows in the rain
And if you see us on the corner
We’re just dancing in the rain
I tell my friends there when I see them
Outside my window pane
Shadows in the rain
I haven’t listened to Dream of the Blue Turtles, aside from what I have heard on the radio, in fifteen years, associating it as I do with my freshman year of college. That and The Doors, I NEVER listen to The Doors. I spent to much time walking around campus staring at the steel toes of my black boots, my ankle length mens’ tweed overcoat turned up at the collar, singing People Are Strange under my breath. I felt invisible.
Some time ago, I don’t know, a month? I saw someone’s email address on our high school website. I wrote a short note. He responded. A few two line emails ensued…and then I said, “I’m really sorry about college. I’m truly sorry. I hope you can forgive me.” He said, “yeah, forget about it; I already did.” and that was that. I don’t intend to contact him again, and I’m sure he feels the same.
I met up with him during that toe-staring time, a guy from high school, familiar, bright, funny, totally crushing on me. I didn’t know I was using him. He was my bone-crushingly recent X’s ex best friend. There were four of them, The Four Ninja. It didn’t sound so stupid then. They used to sneak around at night and kill snowmen. In fact, one time I made a snowman with my sis, fun for her, but a mission for me…in between the chest and head layers I planted a baggie full of red juice. When they busted that baby open, there was much screaming in mudville.
So anyway, I took this guy’s virginity, and then went back to my compulsive lying, Edna Brown of a Taurus X. I really broke his heart at the time, and I wasn’t exactly doing myself any favors either. I’m glad he forgave me.
Incidentally, I also slept with a third of the four…he has a pretty hip coffee shop just a few miles from here. I keep meaning to say hi, but the timing has always been bad. I’ve got nothing to apologise for there, as it was mutual usury.
Sadly, the fourth, and least lickable of the quartet, eschewed my friendship (with a round of violent yelling, I might add) over my lack of interest in sleeping with him. But he did nothing for my sexual aesthetics, and well, four out of four is just slutty, you know? I’m okay with Slutty, but slutty is a bit much.
word.
it’s been two weeks and the curl has begun to relax. whew. my therapist, apon first viewing my new tresses, asked if I’d had my hair highlighted. I said no, it’s just my silver coming out. she indicated that she liked the color.
it was like walking in with one arm gone and having her remark on my manicure. she’s pretty good, that one. maybe she can fix me head.
I am the kind of person who can, while quietly entering a room, whip themselves off their pins and headlong into the bathtub, pulling down both the curtain and the pole, due to an overall strap catching on the doorknob because they were too lazy to put them back on their shoulders after their last trip to said room.
I’m not admitting to anything. I’m just saying it could happen.
I think I need to lie down, carefully.
