from Hane:

May the richness of life swallow you up.
Take you on a ride.
Bounce you on a cloud.
Bathe you in sunshine and fan you with a breeze.

May only people of goodness affect you.
In ways that are true and just.
With love, passion and caring.
Nurturing, allowing and enabling you to be all.

It is bad that you give so much, and receive so very little.
That your wit, sexiness and intelligence go unnoticed.
In the house you call home.
Your soul, mind and body need to be fed.

May YOU know your worth
Your abilities and your potential
Let them lead you far
For you are powerful, awesome and magnificent.

LOVE.

words and image, e. e. cummings…

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don’t cry
–the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids’ flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life’s not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

to be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you like everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.

    — e. e. cummings

I don’t actually care who the pop divas kiss, unless it’s me…
but I SO love this man:

I applied for a few jobs this morning…no big, just part time.
it’s a weird feeling.  I hate asking for anything.  I hate rejection.
I always start out thinking… I’m overqualified for this, I can relax, it’s not like I’m desperate…if it works out fine, if not, fine… but then I get in there and I’m all ON and shit.  love me love me love me!  gross.

I so lack direction.  it’s not the successfull that need personal managers, it’s the shlumphs like me.  you know?

here’s where I start to babble…you can stop reading if you want…
I had to borrow the man’s watch, black kenneth cole tank, as the only working one I have is multi-colored striped plastic.   I wore a black tee, gray tencel cargo skirt, orange naot sandals (chunky), elongated oval hoops (aboout 3/4 x 1 1/4″), chunky silver bead choker with a multistone onyx drop, and a navajo moonstone ring.  my toenails are red/orange, actually, they’re:

my resume is so long and weird.
I feel like I need to personally expain everything.
…but I don’t.  sigh.
oh yeah, and I wore makeup…plucked my eyebrows and everything.  I shaved my legs last week, so I figured that was good enough.  I’m not a real hairy bird anyway.  eyeliner is SO much easier to put on when your eyelids are all puffy from crying, didja know?  I hope I didn’t look all stoned.  between the puffiness and allergies, gawd, I prolly looked a little questionable.  oh shit, whatever.  my hair looked decent.  I just keep hacking at it with those nail scissors, and somehow it seems to have turned out all right.  one of these days I’ll get it together and get a real haircut.  from Alex…but she’s an hour away.

of course, I forgot to put on lippie, and I realized when I got home that my skirt was a little askew.  at least it wasn’t tucked into my unders or anything.

I’m bereft.

hold me.

I am now the proud owner of a legolas bobblehead that I got free with my LOTR video.  I also got a free half rack of sevenup.  I’m not much of a soda pop drinker, unless the soda is root beer and there’s ice cream involved.  I dont’ much like to give the kids pop either.  I guess I’m not a big fan of the caloric drink.  I’d rather have my health killing crap in solid form.

BabyJane says she’s a Big Earl.  okay.

I’m feeling a lot of Existential Angst today.  but I watered the shrubs anyway.  oh yeah, and I tripped on the hose, fell down, and in a seperate incident squirted myself adjusting the sprinkler.  that was actually the best part of my day…not that it’s going so badly.  I betcha Kierkegaard had servants, never had to fall down in a mess of spiders and cedar fronds.  it doesn’t really cheer you up, but it does kind of move you into a less self important mood.

I got a letter from someone across the state…someone I don’t know…someone who read a review I wrote on amazon and got my REAL NAME and address BUT WAS UNABLE TO FIND MY EMAIL ADDY, MIND YOU.  I wrote to amazon and they haven’t answered me.  I don’t get a creepy vibe, and I will probably answer it, but it’s just so inappropriate that it makes you wonder, you know?  he was asking about what the area is like, as he saw that I was from the place he’s thinking of moving to…and I’m also a jazz fan, and have the same faves as him.  I dunno…  I mean keeeeeerist, people who I KNOW actually want to hurt me know where I live, so you know, whatever.  at least he loves monk.  maybe he won’t kill me because I have good taste.

this weekend the kids were in Beauty and the Beast…
the middle sheep is mine:

the tall cowboy in red is also mine:

the rellies came to observe…
babyjane with face intact, boy with eyeliner, bella,
the middle sheep (who currently has contact dermititus in the shape of sheep cheeks):

I spent most of the night cradling babyjane and icing her front teeth and lower lip.  I don’t know exactly what happened, but it involved a rocking chair, brick and tile fireplace, and plenty of blood and tears.  the dentist says she’ll be fine.

I’ve got nothing flippant to say, because I was pretty fucking freaked out.  I want a nap.  oh, and we have fleas and now flea killing products.

I was thinking I should prolly have my car checked out mechanically after the big bash…you know, the brakes and the alignment at the very least.  normally I would go to les schwab, since that’s where we go for everything, and they do lots of checking stuff for free.  BUT, that’s because we bought our brakes and tires there.  this new vehicle has no les schwab parts.  does anybody know about whether it needs to be checked?  no one said anything to me, but it seems like common sense.

this is moonpie: 

we call this pose “porncat”
…and here she is with the baby:

I was feeling all good about our flag…

until I made the decision to zap all the spiders in area with neurotoxins.
I was doing just fine living side by side, but then they just started to take over.
I started to fear opening the front door.
I am a slightly bad person.  I can live with that.
I feel bad…but not that bad.

I took my bear rattle and cleansed the Beast this morning.
if the neighbors didn’t notice, that would probably be for the best.

flowers by the front door:

I cut my own hair again…can you say “corker” ?

I was in a car smash this morning

obviously it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.
still, it left me rather shaken.  a little shocky even.
I had just dropped Em off at drama camp and was heading to the mall to get Dylan some vans for school.  I was thinking how long it had been since we’d been there…not going as fast as I probably would have normally…pacing with the car in the left hand lane…probaby, unfortunately, in their blind spot…but at least I wasn’t going as fast as I could have been.  they chose that moment to try to make a right turn out of the left lane.  I slammed the brakes, but hit them pretty hard anyway.  in the back of my head:  I could go up on the sidewalk, but I don’t have time to look for people.  it turned out there was no one there, but you never know. 

the truck behind me didn’t cream me.  that was a plus.  in addition, they pulled over and gave me their info as witnesses.  really damned nice of them. 

the two boys/men (??) in the brown chevy caprice that I hit looked so upset and grim, I immediately said, “things like this happen all the time, there’s no need for anyone to be upset or angry,” and gave them my big housewife/mommy smile.  I swear, at the time, I was so worried about them, I didn’t have room to think about me.  I mean SHIT…  I’m Kathy Bates in fried green tomatos, right?  I’m old and have insurance.  they’re fucked.

so we waited, cops, blah blah blah, trip to the insurance agent (closer to go there than to go home and phone them), drop the boy off at the theatre…  then I got all boo hooey.

I’m thinking, WHAT A FUCKING WEEK, eh?  my whole week has been a wank, right?  this actually lends some focus to the negativity… and really, that focus is quite welcome.

know something?  not only do I know why this happened, but I knew it was coming.  scoff if you will, but here’s my reasoning:

I like to think I’m not judgemental.  one of my pets peeves is self-righteousness.  I was just going off about it YESTERDAY.  AND YET, the one pocket of smugness I am aware of in myself:  I look at someone’s smashed up car and think, “ooo, don’t park next to him, he obviously doesn’t know how to drive”  or “geez, why don’t they get that fixed??”  now here I am having to make left turn hand signals and seeing EVERY driver I pass LOOK at me! 

and the foreshadowing:  a few days ago, on the freeway, a black accord did the SAME thing at high speed…zipped up from behind me in the left lane AND ZOOMED onto the offramp right in front of me.  I kept asking the man:  why did he do that????  and he was all “why are you asking me?”    then yesterday on the way home, I was following a motorcycle cop, thinking, MAN I would like to see one of those up close.  who comes to take the report?  yep, motorcycle cop.

so after the realization of all that, I was pretty glad it wasn’t worse.   that brush with the accord probably reduced my karmic debt.  I was so lucky it wasn’t worse.

and I’m thinking, as I pull into the driveway, yeah but SHIT, what a CRAP week/day!!  did I mention babyjane crapped her pants at the autobody shop?  SO…I turn off the car, look down at the odometer and see THIS:

SHIT, maybe minivans ARE the debil.
shivvvvvvvvvvvver.

(went in to get the camera…batteries dead…no problem, I’ve got spares…only three, I need four.  I had to take one out of my vibrator.  I leave it to YOU to decide what the REAL tragedy is here…)

I want to go here:

Now.
I’m sick of the prefunction
and ready for the party.
one more day of this
and I’ll start biting people
I swear to maude I will…

if you don’t understand what I’m talking about, go ask your mom.

I have just adopted a Zero Tolerance Policy.
for everything.
carry on.