this song is stuck in my head today…
(as sung by diana krall)

East Of The Sun
(And West Of The Moon)

East of the sun and west of the moon
We’ll build a dream house of love dear
Close to the sun in the day
Near to the moon at night
We’ll live in a lovely way dear
Sharing our love in the pale moonlight

Just you and I, forever and a day
Love will not die; we’ll keep it that way
Up among the stars we’ll find a harmony of life to a lovely tune
East of the sun and west of the moon dear
East of the sun and west of the moon

Revelations about what I REALLY want from life:

Peel Me A Grape
(as sung by diana krall)

Peel me a grape, crush me some ice
Skin me a peach, save the fuzz for my pillow
Talk to me nice, talk to me nice
You’ve got to wine and dine me

Don’t try to fool me bejewel me
Either amuse me or lose me
I’m getting hungry, peel me a grape

Pop me a cork, french me a fry
Crack me a nut, bring a bowl full of bon-bons
Chill me some wine, keep standing by
Just entertain me, champagne me
Show me you love me, kid glove me
Best way to cheer me, cashmere me
I’m getting hungry, peel me grape

Here’s how to be an agreeable chap
Love me and leave me in luxury’s lap
Hop when I holler, skip when I snap
When I say, “do it,” jump to it

Send out for scotch, boil me a crab
Cut me a rose, make my tea with the petals
Just hang around, pick up the tab
Never out think me, just mink me
Polar bear rug me, don’t bug me
New Thunderbird me, you heard me
I’m getting hungry, peel me a grape

I tell ya, wouldn’t it be nice?  I could live like that.

Island…Langston Hughes

       Wave of sorrow,

       Do not drown me now:

       I see the island

       Still ahead somehow.
       I see the island

       And its sands are fair:
       Wave of sorrow,

       Take me there.

I had to reboot just now, downloaded updates,
and ended up having to spend some time looking at my
desktop picture.  it’s a stock one of a tiny island 
of palm trees.  normally I’d choose something more
apparently personal, but I saw something when I first 
picked this one…it’s the island!

the wave of sorrow island.

Langston Hughes is my favorite poet.  I have several
close seconds, but he’s the first…for about twenty 
years now.

you see that island?  how are you going to get there?
the wave of sorrow.  you ride it there.  maybe it’s a 
short ride…maybe it’s a long ride…but if you know 
where you’re going, it doesn’t have to be a hard ride.

if something or someone is hurting you, beyond your
control…ride that sumbitch like a sailboard.  let 
them take you there.

there are deer lying on the front lawn.  it’s night.  that is just too cool.  there was a doe that was napping there about a month ago, but that was in the day.  tonight there are two of them, and they’re not even next to each other.  what a warm feeling to know they feel safe there.

the neighbor gets so angry at them.  they eat his garden.  he is so mr. macgregor.

they ate our strawberries.  a fawn…we saw a fawn eating them.  so magical.  we felt honored.  and we were, really.

I don’t think we’re in some fairy wonderland.  one of our cats “disappeared”.  there are coyotes for sure, and the occasional cougar in the general area…the raccoons are cute, but I know better than to try to pet one.  still…  realistically magical.

this afternoon, the girls and I were lying in the hammock together, looking at the sky, and over us flew a single bald eagle.  so big, so slow.

you can be smack in the middle of some serious shit, and the world never ceases to be its amazing self.

here’s what I just sent to my sister…
honestly, I’m so overwhelmed (even though I know I’ve no right to be) that the best I can do is copy this email:

my three year old keeps telling me what to say, “now say, aww, that’s so cute, baby!”  she’s doing it constantly.  I’m feeling the need to break her of it…been working on it for the last few days. 

it’s finally working. 

now she says, “now say, don’t tell me what to say!”

when I was a kid, grade school, I found math VERY challenging.
I went to great lengths to conceal my shortcomings…counting on my fingers to add and subtract, using reasoning rather than formulas in story problems.  triangulating, and as a last resort, using the “what did you get for number four?” method.

this was exacerbated by a stressful homelife and switching schools several times.

in other areas I excelled.  my art and music skills were tops.  I was in the highest reading group, and did well in science, though sometimes the math factor held me back.  I was pegged as an english whiz/math moron.

that could have gone on…forever?  what happened to change it?  we were having those timed multiplication/division tests, the tests I dreaded.  every day.  what a horror.  three times five?  quick add three fives and write it down.  15 divided by three?  add threes until you get fifteen…count them.  my grandad noticed, and he didn’t let me do ANYTHING until I had memorized the charts.  he wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom until I got all the fives.

we did it in one day.

and within a year, I was in excellerated math.  I wasn’t a dummy anymore.

still, in junior high, I started to bog down…I liked math better, but I still couldn’t process all the algebra.  geometry was a dream.  proofs?  yummy.  I made it into high school in the lower half of the gifted math program.

then I got a tutor.  one who could tell me WHY you move this number over here.  as it turns out, I couldn’t remember how to do something if I didn’t understand WHY it needed to be done.  that geeky brilliant boy gave me the keys to the numerical universe that day he explained the quadratic equation.  it all came together.  like music.  like sex.  an epiphany of unequalled emotion…to this day.

I never did scale the math heights…it turns out I don’t really like school much.  but I tested out in the 98th percentile in the state in math…higher than the other subjects I excelled in, though I did well in those too (I’ll try not to brag).

so, I didn’t turn out to be another einstein…but I’m no dummer either.  and I get it.  and it’s beautiful.

so I read something envigorating before taking the boy to school…
we were talking about how a lot of liz phair fans hate this new album.
I have to admit, I had to put my ear to the grindstone to get over the initial
“what the fuck is this?  AVRIL??”
but I really ended up liking it.
and as dylan said, “but mom, I GREW UP on liz phair.”
and as I was pulling away from the parking lot, this song came on
and it just pulled the good tears right outa me.

Firewalker
Liz Phair

My hopes are like embers lying around inside a firebed and
Your mind is a firewalker, it steps on them like they are dead but

I can grow
In spite of all you know
You might not recognize me tomorrow
Yes I can change
In spite of all they say
Become something strange and beautiful
Like joy, like joy

Me, I’m like a wild flame that catches on whatever’s near but
Your mind is a firewalker, it sets its course and never veers but

I can grow
In spite of all you know
You might not recognize me tomorrow
Yes I can change
In spite of all they say
Become something strange and beautiful
Like joy, like joy

Take offers from every side and give my attentions about anywhere well
Do I recognize my actions, I look like I’m so unaware like
I don’t care

But I can grow
In spite of all you know
You might not recognize me tomorrow
Yes I can change
In spite of all they say
Become something strange and beautiful
Like joy, like joy

MELT BANANA…
where was I when this nummily bizarre ephemera of japanese techno-punk emerged?  probably birthing something with a big head and a propensity toward shitting its pants…

oh well, now we are one, and all is as it should be.

AAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! EEEeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE!!

I did Part I of the Teeth Cleaning today.  Part II occurs later this week.  due to an orthodontist with a love of glue, and apparently a deep fear of anything in my mouth moving, ever, my teeth take an inordinately long time to scale.  combine that with my freakish fear of people working in my mouth (no problem with the drills, just keep that gritty toothshit away from me), and you just have, well, the makings of a blog that just touches on the tip of the iceburg of my insanity.

mmmmmmmmm…nitrous.  they have to give me nitrous to clean my teeth.  hell, they have to give me nitrous to look in my mouth.  I’m lying there listening to her talk about her kayaking vacation on vancouver island, which I actually did find interesting, and I’ve got this backstream of thought going:  someday I really need to get a doctorate in something medical so I can prescribe stuff for me and my friends.  it seemed like a really good idea.  aside from that, there was some fluffy white cloud, “ooo, isn’t that pretty” kind of thought going on, and a few random sexual thoughts about my realtor, but everything else is kind of gone now…

I pick my nose, you know.  I’m not exactly proud of it, but I’m not really ashamed either.  I have allergies, so it’s just a neverending supply of slightly crispy nosegoblins…  you so wish you had boogers like mine.

so this is what fronts my new astrology study notebook.
I drew it last summer as the plan for a mural I never did in the girls’ room.  I guess I could do it in their new room.  there is also an accompanying design for a princess loft bed.  we went with some wall sconcing and draped net instead.

phallic, yes?

so, I got a god damn job.  part time.  I’m fucking freaked out, but not as badly as I was.  we shall see.

retail help in a studio/shop…  the people are cool.  dress is casual.  we shall see.  let’s just say, if someone were to drop dead and leave me a lot of money I probably wouldn’t go.

we shall see.

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