I just got a check in the mail.  it’s from the county auditor, paying me for sitting around the courtroom for three and a half hours…ten dollars.

but HEY, ten bucks is ten bucks, man…

**********

on a completely unrelated tack:
I spent a whole bunch of time in the last couple of days learning how the cd burner on the “new” (6 month old) shared computer works…  the man and I each have laptops, his is password protected; mine is not…like I care who reads my shit.  I mean, I barf my head ten times a day HERE, right?  unless the door’s shut and the fan’s on, there’s very little “private” business I do, kwim?  okay, so anyway, I larned.  and I uploaded…  and I burned.

so now I have three mix albums I’m in love with.  they are named:

1.  satori conveys an emotion…mostly sappy stuff
2.  I believe you have my stapler?…fun stuff
3.  flight of the asshat…it has a good beat and you can dance to it

I probably spent a sum total of four hours dancing yesterday.  that was good…brought me up quite a bit…that and talking to formerprincess on the phone from evening to midnight.

Just kiss me
And forget all about that other stuff
Kiss me
Your big red lips, I think, will be enough

Don’t worry with your lipstick
I’m gonna kiss it all away
Throw away your lipstick
That ain’t your color, anyway

My lips are your color
So lips, stick with me!

Ooo, when you kiss me
I’ve got to know just how much you miss me

Kiss me
And I’ll take your lips to paradise
Kiss me
And paradise will never feel so nice

You’re beautiful
You don’t need all that make up
And you don’t need to take up
All of your time in front of the mirror
Don’t you know that you’re my deara
Baby, can’t you see we’re in love

Ooo, when you kiss me
I’ve got to know just how much you miss me

Kiss me
And put all the stars back in the sky
Kiss me
And maybe then you’ll know the reason why
I want you
And my love’s gonna haunt you
And I’m gonna flaunt you

In front of all the boys that live on my street
And they’re gonna be jealous ’cause you’re so sweet
Do you think I should repeat
Do you think I should repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Aw, say it, man!

I’m in love
Love
I’m in love

I’m in love
Sweet love

…Harry Connick Jr

rated T for too much information…
this is a warning:  you may not want to know this much about me.
I’m going to bury this behind the last entry, so if you DO read it, you can pretend you didn’t…and that’s okay with me.

why do I even need to put this out there?  that’s a valid question.
I could make it private…but as a child, I felt unheard, invisible, and because of this, sometimes I felt like I didn’t exist, or I didn’t matter.  it is for that reason that I like to make even the most painful parts of my life available at times.

sting wrote message in a bottle… a year has passed since I wrote my note.  I should have known this right from the start.  only hope can keep me together.  love can mend your life or love can break your heart.

I have unrealistic expectations.  I’m aware of it.  I have a cyclic understanding of it.  I want to be loved like I’m special, like I’m precious, like I matter.  being loved like a brother really is good enough…just not in my marriage.  I want more.  well, actually, I expect more.  my thought is, I don’t mind if I don’t have it RIGHT NOW…  but I don’t know how to exist if that’s not the end goal.  I understand that it’s enough for some people.  it’s not enough for me.  I can’t make it be enough.  I’m wounded. 

so I get therapy, and it helps, it really does…and maybe I’ll get to the point where it is good enough.  alice walker wrote:  throw your fond in a pond.  I guess I’m kind of attached to my wounding.  I don’t want to get better…I want to make my situation fit my hopes…the least I can accept is that my partner WANTs to try to love me “like that.”  and that, I ain’t got.

here’s the tmi part…no sex.  all work and no “play” make mama go crazy.  and I don’t really want sex for sex’s sake either anymore.  that was part of the slippery slope that landed me here.  dang me, I’ve been getting by on a rich fantasy life, and a shower massager named Russell.  here’s that part that’s starting to scare me:  I’m getting to the point where I can’t even come up with a satisfying fantasy scenario.  I’m becoming so jaded, that no one even loves me in my dreams.

why don’t I feel worthy of love?  well, more wounding…some of the same I already mentioned, and a big helping of poor body image, a product of a mother with a poor body image (not her fault either, really).  even when I looked good, I didn’t know I did.  I look now, how I thought I looked then.

bringing down the house, wasn’t exactly a stellar movie, but I liked it, and it illustrates my central dilemma… steve martin opens the door, expecting to find an attractive woman, and finds queen latifah…a GORGEOUS woman, but not the type he expected.  what she’s got to offer is WASTED on him.  martin’s best friend sees her for all her glory, so of course, he’s portrayed as kind of a doofus.  martin winds up with the svelte woman.

  that SO looks like me.  it does.

so, you know, I’m a beautiful woman…and I could lose the weight.  I could BE the svelte woman who gets the man.  here’s the problem:  I don’t WANT a man who doesn’t want me as pictured above.  I can’t get beyond it.

I think that may be the fracture in my marriage…I can’t control how he feels…and I can’t change the fact that I don’t even WANT someone who doesn’t want me for ALL that I am.  I am an oversensitive, curvy, bitchy cunt.  and I’m a lot of good things too.  I want to be loved as a whole package…not in SPITE of a whole chunk of who I am.

I don’t think my marriage will ever work, and under the circumstances, or what I believe to be the circumstances, I don’t see why it should.

I’ve got A LOT.  I know it…  I don’t have much right to bitch.  I’ve nearly got it all…
but as sheila e. said, without love, it ain’t much.