Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our mind.
Wo! Have no fear for atomic energy,
‘Cause none of them – a can – a stop – a the time.
How long shall they kill our prophets,
While we stand aside and look?
Yes, some say it’s just a part of it:
We’ve got to fulfil de book.
Won’t you help to sing
Dese songs of freedom? -
‘Cause all I ever had:
Redemption songs -
All I ever had:
Redemption songs:
These songs of freedom,
Songs of freedom.
…Bob Marley
Mars Conjunction Saturn
exact at 15:15
that is exactly when they cut up my credit card.
off of the back of the last blog:
…the final straw is going to purchase the agreed apon xmas presents for the children only to have the clerk take my card away. he has taken me off of the credit cards.
I specifically confirmed that buying those things was a joint decision. that was just mean on his part. having my card declined, let alone taken, is one of my worst fears. I know it sounds stupid, but it is.
I don’t even know if I’m going to say anything to him. what am I supposed to say? you’re an asshole? like that’s news.
so it’s that time of year again, and here I am, passing out the medals for the passive-aggressive’lympics!
and this year, gold goes to the soon to be fex! I like to keep these speeches short, so let me just share highlights from the past 24 hours:
I know there are so many more I could credit you with, but I want to stop thinking about it right now! congratulations, you are the biggest assclown I know! I lie in bed and fantasize about smacking you in the face, over and over and over and over…
yes I got some candy kisses for your lips
yes I got some honeysuckle, chocolate drippin’ kisses full of love, for you…
musiquarium is one of the best albums EVER.
my sister christa knows I open presents immediately apon their arrival. I think this generally bothers her, but not in a huge way. this year, I really was prepared to wait till xmas to open hers, even though it came before thanksgiving, which is a grand trial for my ability to defer gratification.
BUT, when she called on thanksgiving, she told me she’d been in ashley judd’s dressing room a day or two prior (cat on a hot tin roof), and had seen there, on a shelf, exactly what she’d sent me! she also said she was really surprised because she had purchased it from a fairly obscure nyc shop. of course I had to open it right then. I had to know!
she said ms. judd’s is black…
the shirt is a coin purse, and the bag is larger than it appears, big enough for a checkbook, even. professor snape appears for scale and sexual fantasy purposes.
crictor gives great gifts.
SealKitty is a GODDESS!
I was feeling pretty seriously mopey this afternoon. I won’t be getting the kids for xmas morning/day. they’ll spend xmas eve with me, which is when my mom likes to do her big hoodoo. me, I likes the xmas morning with stockings and presents… but this year, I’ll be waking up all alone, all my presents already opened the night before, and no kids to watch with santa presents. I was considering having a good bawl tonight.
instead, I walked in the door to this package from sealkitty…
I’m going to have all these presents to open on xmas morning!
I’m going to have a real xmas of my own!
I don’t care if she wrapped empty printer ink cartridges!
I gots me a christmas!!
Kitty, you make me cry with all kinds of pink furry love.
thank you. 
the coolest thing happened this afternoon…
I was tidying and vacuuming like a middle-aged whirlwind this afternoon, because the realtor was coming, right on the heels of my babysitting charge leaving. trying to clean while preschool kids play is, well, frustrating. but anyway, I let the cat in, and then a few minutes later, realized she had a BIRD!
I picked the cat up and tossed her outside. then went to look at the bird. pretty close to dead, I thought, didn’t even pull in her feet. I got an oven mitt and picked her up, trying to keep her warm. babyjane and I sat quietly with her while I explained how we were going to keep her warm and safe until she died. she was so tiny, so incredibly tiny.
the time finally came when we had to leave to pick up the other kids…the realtor got in a fender bender and wasn’t able to make it… I made a warm nest in a box, put the bird in, and put it in my closet.
when we came back, the bird was perched on the side of the nest! I carried her to the window and she flew away! wow!
…oh, and I forgot to mention, I got to watch two bucks locking horns on my lawn this morning. it lasted about fifteen minutes, and was pretty clearly play. wow. it was a good nature day.
at least once a day, my craptop freaks out, locking up the cursor, logging me onto msn, and sending my scanner into weird spasms. I find it exceedingly frustrating. what scares me more, though, is lately the cursor just locks up…forever. I have to (yes, I know it’s a really bad thing) shut the power off to stop it. no, control alt delete doesn’t work. what scares me is that this is what the old desktop did for about a month before it went tits up.
so that should be just about the time I’m moving my things, and the things of the children, out of the family manor and into my grandmother’s two bedroom condo. I guess I could view it as a warning, as opposed to it just taking a dump out of the blue…but that would just be more magnanimous than I’m feeling today.
I’ll still have expenses, I’ll have to pay the condo fees and the bills. I won’t be able to get a phone until we sell the house. we’ll be eating a lot of top ramen. until the house sells, I’ll have to try to live off of what we normally use as a food budget.
I think I’ve gotten over the intense grief of having to sell this beautiful house, with all the trees and wildlife. I’m even getting over the straight on, “he doesn’t love” blues, because really, I guess I already knew that for a long time. what I’m really finding it hard to get over is the IDEA of having a whole family.
I came from a family of multiple divorces and so when People say, “oh your family is still whole,” I just see that as pollyanna semantics. our family will never be whole again. I can learn to live with it. it just takes time.
the pangs come from out of the blue…we were watching disney’s The Proud Family, and I’m thinking, you know, Oscar Proud may be a complete jackass, but at least he takes care of his family. he doesn’t just up and decide that his wife is dead weight and dump her. I have sunk to the level of feeling wistfull about a cartoon family.
or Homer….
Oh Margie, well you came and you brought me a turkey
on my vacation away from workie…
and the pangs about growing old as a family…in this house…they ache. I know it will get better, but I still have to grieve. that’s the only way out the other side, is through. through grief.
I’ll be without internet…I don’t know for how long, but I’ll have it until I move in a few weeks. you can contact me here, or at satoristar@hotmail.com
recycled from:
Thursday, January 31, 2002 |
DON’T LOOK AHEAD! as we all know, I can hide my own easter eggs, so I went ahead and gave myself new answers… I apologize profusely for my subconsious.. 1. 2 ******************************************************** so, I hope four of you read this because my wish was a good one. it involves mistletoe, and that’s all I’ve got to say on the subject. so in the last 24, I’ve had a kitchen fire, a barfing baby in my bed, a coffee pot flood (forgot to put the caraffe under again), maybe a broken toe, two school conferences (during one of which I managed to burst into tears), and extremely bad hair. I don’t know whether to be thankful that nothing worse has happened or fearful that it will. namaste’ motherfuckers. (and you know I mean that in the most loving sense…) |
