I’m breaking in a new scent…
it’s been about a month now.

my mom had this scent of soap in her bathroom for the last six years, and I have practically rolled in it every time I visited.  I had no idea there was a spray.  WOOOOOOOOO!

for the last fifteen years I wore chanel #5.  I still love it, but it’s time for a change.  scent is a huge thing for me, and I NEED to have a change, with the huge change in my life.  it sounds weird, but the chanel is too emotionally charged for me.

signiture scent.  I guess I need to change my signiture, as I don’t belong to that life anymore.

before the chanel, it was dior’s poison… I got in in europe the year it came out.  in high school it was a few things, chanel, oscar de la renta ruffles…

so this new stuff, the copy says:  Dream is a mix of white freesia, orange flower, and pure cloud.   that’s great, as I expect it to compliment my own mix of heady insolence, sexual frustration, and a raft of pure bullshit.

because Anxiety asked:

it’s tiny and free (yeah, yeah, nothing’s free…I didn’t have to pay extra).  I’ve gotten used to the “I’m talking into my hand like a lunatic” feeling, and now the real phone feels like I’m holding my shoe to my ear.

I think tim should get a phone so we could ring each other’s tones.  !!
I always get a female when I call support (which I do an aweful lot, as I am a technical moron…I still can’t get one of the message icons off my screen because I don’t think I have the button the instructions say I have).  one woman asked me if I was saved by jesus.  I said yes, and I was saved by jesus…to the tune of 175 dollhairs.

ring tones…
it would never have occurred to me if anxiety zone hadn’t mentioned it…
I love it.

now the kids want me to turn on the phone all the time so that they can vogue.

soul bossa nova… the austin powers theme:

   MUUUAH!

a dios le pido, ala the luscious juanes:

and the piece de resistance…
le theme de jean luc picard:

dah, dah dah dah, dah dah dah… dadadadada dah dah dah dahdah dah dah!  they didn’t have the red dwarf or abfab theme.  scandalous.

and here’s my beatiful sisty, just for kicks:

(in Alexandre Dumas and the Lady of the Camelias)

sting is still wonderful.

I could construct a soundtrack to my life almost entirely of police/sting songs.  of course there was that early time in my life where we’d have to include the jackson 5 and earth wind and fire.

anyway.

I spent the day, yesterday, with my mother, grading, yakking.

in a social issues paper, somebody quoted one of my old boyfriends…turns out he ended up IN CHARGE of juvy, instead of IN it.  who’d ‘a thunk.  apparently he told the student he used to date the teacher’s daughter. 

I met up with one of my high school friends who now teaches with my mom.  her husband is my son’s music teacher (and also used to be a friend of mine).

formerprincess took me in yesterday morning when I had nowhere to go.  did I tell you she brought me two dozen doughnuts and a dozen peach/red roses the other day??  well, she did.  she’s wunnerful wunnerful.

I drove around this morning, looking at inexpensive houses.  my mom may need to sell the condo I’m in.  it’s not a need thing; it’s a tax thing.  I need to decide if I want to buy this place or buy something else.

I could move back into the neighborhood we used to live in, but in the cheap seats (I’m fine with that).  we used to live in the chi-chi part of subdivision.  honestly, I wouldn’t want to live in the swanky part again, mainly because the lots are too big and I can’t maintain a half acre of lawn.  the water here is BIG bucks expensive, and I don’t want to spend my saturdays mowing.

there’s also a REALLY cute older cottage near the school, but it’s on a fairly busy arterial (hard to back out of the driveway, hard to resell), AND it has baseboard heat. dammit.  that also means it has ineffecient airconditioning and that’s really important here in the highdesert.

SO, I could stay where I am.  BUT, I have three kids and this does only have two bedrooms.  I’m fine with that, but will the kids be, long term?

there’s no bus here at the condo, so I’d always have to drive the kids (there’s bus in the old neighborhood).  BUT, there’s a pool and a tennis court, and it’s right across the street from the golf course…and I wouldn’t have to maintain the property.

dammit.  I can’t see a compelling reason to go either way.  it’s a toss up.

I miss myself. 
I hate being in crisis mode.  don’t misunderstand, I operate extremely well in crisis mode, but it doesn’t feel real.

so anyway, here’s where I stayed last sunday night:

that’s what available credit is for, right?
it was a heartbreaking moment in my life…first time back in town to deliver the kids to the ex…last time to be inside the house I thought I’d live in indefinitely.  so, you know, I didn’t exactly want to spend the evening alone staring at a concrete block wall at the travellodge.

it made all the difference…

that was exactly my room.  I took two jacuzzi baths with salts, the patio door open, a breeze blowing, and the gas fire blazing.  it was lovely.

I had a four star dinner in the dining room, read my book, flirted with the waiters.

you know what, I’m not a wastrel, but I like to do nice things.  I like to walk along the water, that’s free.  I like to walk in the woods…that’s free.  still, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking to do things that cost either.

it was a welcome respite.  I felt like a big girl again.

taken from MarnieMarnieMarnie

Yes or No…

You keep a diary:  no, but I write volumes of poetry (does everyone do that?)
You like to cook: no, sometimes I like to bake
You fold your underwear: yes
You talk in your sleep:  yes, I even answer questions…watch out, you may not like what you hear!
You set your watch a few minutes ahead: yes, about three
You believe in love:  I’m not sure anymore

Last…

Movie you rented: Bulletproof Monk
TV show you’ve watched:  StarTrekTNG
Song that was stuck in your head:  Stardust
Person you’ve called: my mother, at a spa/lodge
Person that’s called you:  formerprincess
Person you were thinking of:  timantec

Do…

You drink:  yes, but not often…beer, wine, tequila, kamikazis, port
You do drugs:   no
You smoke:  not anymore
You like cleaning:  I like having it done
You write in cursive or print:  both
You carry a donor card: yes
You wish you could live somewhere else: sometimes

Number…

Of people from high school that I stayed in contact with: six?
Of times my name has appeared in the newspaper:  many
Of boys/girls I have kissed:  about 2 percent less than I’ve slept with
Of people I’ve slept with:  they’d fit on a city bus, and I hope there’d be empty seats
Of times I have had my heart broken:  several times
Of hearts I have broken:  a few
Of times I have been in love:  several
Of things in my past that I regret:  none

If…

Someone were spying on you, what embarrassing fact would they discover?  the whole nosepicking/flicking thing.  ew.
One song could be regarded as your personal anthem, what would it be?  Shining Star by Earth Wind and Fire or She by Harry Connick Jr.  but it used to be Blackbird by the Beatles

What…

Do you hope to learn tomorrow?  that I’m over my ex
One risk are you not willing to take?  anything involving my kids
Is your most alluring quality?  I don’t know,  I guess you’d have to find someone who finds me alluring and ask them.  my frank sexuality?One thing have you never done before?  had a successful romantic relationship
Stereotype do you refuse to agree with?  most, stereotypes are archetypes gone bad, not real people
Makes you laugh uncontrollably? teen boys and high pitched screaming
Dirty word always makes you laugh?  bugger
Jeopardy category would you be good at?   ??  I’m a bit good at lots of things but not terribly specialized…

devil may care… lyricist?  dunno…

No cares for me
I’m happy as I can be
I’ll learn to love and to live
Devil may care

No cares and woes
Whatever comes later goes
That’s how I’ll take and I’ll give
Devil may care

When the day is through, I suffer no regrets
I know that he who frets, loses the night
For only a fool, thinks he can hold back the dawn
He who is wise to never tries to revise what’s past and gone

Live love today, let come tomorrow what may
Don’t even stop for a sigh, it doesn’t help if you cry
That’s how I’ll live and I’ll die
Devil may care

I feel like sally in when harry met sally… I spy a family…

maybe it’s not fashionable or liberated, but all I really wanted out of life was a family.  kids, a husband who loved me, thought I was special…

instead I got a husband who doesn’t like me,
thinks I’m a bad person and a bad mother,
doesn’t respect or trust me.

you know what that tells me?  that he never really knew or loved me.

but I loved him, you know?  it was real for me.

why does it always turn out for shit, for me?

I said for better for worse.  I meant it.
why is it only ever me who means it?

I want somebody to love me.  and it’s not going to happen.
you can say whatever you want…I mean, if you said that, I’d try to tell you that you were wrong…  but I’m right.  nobody’s ever going to love me like that, and that’s not okay, but I think I need to get used to it.

it’s just.  too.  much.
I don’t wanna want it anymore.
I wish my heart was dead.
I think I’ll just watch tv nonstop till it is.

this is not some kind of cry for help. 
it’s not for you, it’s for me.
I’m feeling sorry for myself…I’m entitled to.
eventually I’ll stop.

the last few days my mother and I have been at my grandmother’s deathbed.  this morning it’s over.

something James said made me think of this song…

a little gossip, from man of la mancha

Shawn Colvin…whole new you

You have the right to get down on your knees
And you have the right to make yourself believe
That you don’t know my name
But I don’t care, you can do it Cause you have the right
To shake the loneliness and shine the light
Take all your tears and save ‘em for a rainy night
Go and wish on every star that’s fallen
Shake your head in wonder when it’s all to good to be true
Like a whole new you

So don’t lose your way
You can do no wrong
And don’t spend your days just trying to be strong
When you don’t know your name
You know it’s ok, you can do it
Cause you have the right
To shake the loneliness and shine the light
Go and wish on every star that’s fallen
Shake your head in wonder when it’s all to good to be true
Like a whole new you
It’s too good to be true
Like a whole new you