sorry I’m still fairly incommunicado.  if my phone rings, I’ll answer it, but that’s pretty much where my socializing ends these days.  sorry if I’m not responding to your emails.  I respond in my head; can’t you hear it?

I’m okay, but I’m resisting the tumble back into the pit.  I’ve graduated from walking on the treadmill to running, something I never thought I’d do again in the absense of an attacker.  I did yoga this morning.  I took a shower and at some point plan to put on makeup.  the shower kind of wiped me out, though…

likely the one problem with being multiorgasmic is not knowing when to stop.  I mean, if you don’t have to, should you?  apparently so because my fingers are totally pruney and I had to lie down due to heart palpitations.  well that and to stretch out the butt in my jeans.  I’m down half a size and wearing the jeans that didn’t fit three weeks ago.  they’re still a smidge snug.  the only reason I’m wearing them, well two, is (one) because I can, and (two) so that when I go to the movies later (alone) I’ll be able to resist the candy and popcorn.  there’s only room for me in here.

my skins all bumpy from hormones, which pisses me off to no end.  I mean aside from nice shoes, that was most of what I had going for me.  I can’t just cover it up with makeup because I don’t have that kind, only the eye/lip kind of stuff.  I wouldn’t know how to put it on anyway.

I can’t decide whether to see the secret window or starsky and hutch.  I guess I could see them both.

my sister got the part!

she’ll be appearing in The_Food_Chain by Nicky Silver at the Old Globe in San Diego.  I’m hoping she’ll get to meet SealKitty!

don’t make yourself a mouse
or the cat will eat you.

the last two days have been a big pit.  I’m hoping by talking I’ll be able to throw a leg over the edge.  the final straw seems to be a nightmare I just had… feel free to skip it.

so after taking two olders to school and providing nick jr and snack to the younger, I went and crawled back in bed.  I had been dressed in my excercize clothes because I really am trying to force myself to walk the treadmill every day.  I’m sick as fuck of being fat.  I couldn’t face the idea of putting my shoes back on afterward, so I just got in bed with them on.  screw it.

then I had this nightmare… it started out pretty good, I was living in this cool big house and a friend was over.  we were drinking and having fun.  babyjane was playing with her daughter.  (I wouldn’t drink in the middle of the day, it was a DREAM)  then I realized I had to go get dylan… and he walked in the door.  someone had given him a ride.

then I realized my friend and her daughter were gone and a bunch of old ladies were there for a party.  it turned out to be for me.  my  mom was there and she said TA DA and all of a sudden there were all these appliances with bows around them… black and white ones, and a pair of snowmobiles.  so quick in my head I think, wow, that’s amazing… and yet, I would have picked all white (yes, I’m rolling my eyes at myself)  but I thought, no, this is great.  I will love all these things.

then everyone was gone and mom, the girls and I were in the house… and it started to fall down and over (as buildings sometimes do in my nightmares… but usually we all die when that happens).  so I make sure my mom’s in a safe place, away from things falling on her head, and I run off screaming for the girls.   I found them and they were all right!  I took them and mom outside.  she wanted to go back in but I told her she couldn’t, it could come down and we would all die.

that’s when wreckage started falling from the sky.  half a plane nearly squashed the girls. I gathered them back to me and looked up to see that huge concrete columns were falling in groups, you know, like those basalt pillars.  I didn’t even bother to look up and just cowered there waiting to die.  just too much.  but we didnt’ die.  they missed us… then I look around.  mom is fine, but babyjane and emma have turned into clear sacks of liquid with a purple (jane) and a pink (emma) squishy brain inside.  and I’m screaming, “my babies, my babies, what happened to my babies??”

then I woke in a panic… but at least I had enough energy to deal.  babyjane had cut up emma’s care bear with a pair of contraband scissors.  sigh.  but all I did was tell her that was a bad thing to do, that she wasn’t supposed to use scissors and her sister would be upset…then held her.  I made lunch.  I’m here…

I can feel myself slipping back into depression.
I sat for over an hour in the car yesterday, in front of the guitar store, crying on the phone to my mom.  every so often someone would come to the window of the store and stare at me…and you know what?  I didn’t even care.  eventually I took the amp in to be fixed and they were super nice to me.

I’m having trouble staying asleep and trouble feeling awake.
I’m still walking on the treadmill though.
the clean laundry hasn’t been folded and it’s been days.
sealkitty, loveheart, thank you for the wonderful incredible package!
I’ve not been able to thank you properly.
wu… I’m sorry I didn’t call you back…  I had left a guestbook entry (or email?).
I’ll try to call when I feel human.

I know I’m self-pitying at the moment, and it will pass, but I can’t seem to get beyond it right now.  part of it is not being able to get him where it hurts… in his wallet.  that’s a big part.  the other part is the realization that however delusional I may think he is, it still stands that the person I poured my whole loving self into despises me and rejects all that I am.  that the person I loved with all my heart baits me and hurts me.

I keep passing the open windows,
walking on the treadmill,
and showering.
okay and I take care of the children, but that’s all I can manage.
I have to look for a job now.

in the dream
a child and I are destroying a piece of tagboard
he needs for a project
covering it with cartoony images
but only one side
aware on some level
the devastation must not be total

knowing there is another woman
he cares for
(though she will not be spared)
and wishing he would die

so much anger
with no place to go
it holds me in the warm bed
as I watch the steel elephants advance on my window
in the dali-desert sky

here’s my new house-in-progress.
I was up there today and they had put in insulation and had started sheetrocking.  wow.  that’s fast.  the guys also showed up to start shingling the roof.  wow.

one hill over (behind the house in the photo) BEEEEEEEEEG machines were moving earth for a new subdivision.  when I say big, I’m not sure you really understand.  I have NEVER seen trucks that big.  think:  would dwarf a semi.  it was fucking COOL.  I’d have stayed way longer but bjane was about to wet herself, dammit.

yesterday I picked out light fixtures and stuff.  the day before was floor coverings and counter laminate.  I’ve stopped daydreaming about potential lovers and started salivating over paint chips, which I’m sure is far healthier.

I also talked with my attorney yesterday.  it’s pretty apparent that yes, I am going to get screwed.  I need to get over it and move on.  I’m applying for a job that will start in two weeks.  it’ll be semi-workfromhome.  I need to get on with my life.  if the fucker won’t just go ahead and die, the best I can manage is to make sure I don’t ever need anything from him.

l’chaim.

did I mention that my new treadmill has a place to put my laptop??  I thought that was bizarre beyond words, but you never know, I may just come around.

I noticed on the drive back from the junior high this morning…
~I know how everyone else should be driving to minimize traffic congestion in the drop off area.  why don’t they?  and yes, I know how egocentric I am.
~dylan’s band teacher was pulling out of the parking lot to take his daughter to school… dylan’s first week he told the class how he asked dylan’s mother to homecoming but she was already going with someone… how he married the girl he asked second.  dylan told me later “he could have been my dad!”  yeah, not really.  …although in hindsight…

and finally:
~I stared at a woman sitting on a bench in her front yard in her bathrobe.  she was drinking coffee and waiting for her dogs to finish their bidness.  she was fifties, sixties, something like that.  I felt kind of bad for staring, but she just looked SO beautiful in such an unconventional way.  it gave me such a feeling of joy.

I wonder if sometimes people catch a stare and assume someone is judging them when really they’re worshipfull… just like that, you know?  maybe someone you don’t know and don’t even see is thinking how beautiful YOU are today.

picture of my new baby:

and just like a real baby…
~it didn’t come on time
~it was a horrible and painful delivery (natural, no drugs, as I wanted to “save” 50$ and do it myself)
~it was slightly defective and I’ve decided to keep it anyway.

it is missing parts!!  oh well.  I haven’t turned it on yet, so I don’t know if they’re important parts.

vroom…

**************************************

I’M RICK JAMES, BITCH!!

you watch dave chappelle, right?