I am so achingly lonely
my feelings hurt
lotsa stuff hurts
I took some pills today
and I guess they’re working
I guess that’s good

I know I have lots of good friends
friends who by their actions
show me how much they love me
often that’s enough
why isn’t it always enough?

why are there some people I’ve loved
the very people who ought to know me best
why don’t they love me too?
they have the opportunity to see
into my very center
and they change their minds
they walk away
or they kick me
and walk away
I know I shouldn’t care
but it can’t always be just them, right?

I know we all have our flaws
I love other people with flaws
it just doesn’t seem that hard
why is it so hard?

I have friends
I  don’t have a strong chest to lay my head on
a chest to sop up my tears
someone to say “there there”
and if for a time I do
if I show myself
they’re gone forever
when will I be loved?

does a person have to be strong
ALL the time?
to deserve love?
or am I just made all wrong?

rerun… but yes sir, I like it…

under stars of infinite hope
the shroud of disconnection lifted
soul, the candle;flesh,the lamp
the dream through evanescence sifted

I stand alone on the edge of a realization
digging my toes into the past-present-future
lives whose tendrils still twine with mine
in sands of memories yet to be


wherever tomorrow lies
it will take care of itself
love awaits
maybe somewhere under the same sky
maybe now
or maybe then
or quite possibly long ago

like light from a star
hope and love go forth in all directions
and wherever one stands is the center
perhaps my love will be seen
after I expire

my beacon to the watching night
a lighthouse to the open sky
here I stand apon this earth
that I may wake until I die
here is where I choose my battles
all that I am is all I give
sending out my subtle oath:
I live
I live
I live

…satori

roosters and hens and all their cluckin’ friends
they know it’s time to fly, when I come stompin’ by
well cock-a-doodle do, I’m gonna put my tread on you
that’s the call of the wreckin’ ball

everybody asks why I’m such a bastard
well wringin’ necks ain’t no fun, stompin’ kills em faster!
they call me wreckin’ ball, cause I’m the baddest of em all

if your fowl’s gone foul and you can’t count on rover
just look me up and I’ll stomp right over!

–John Doe and Exene Cervenka, the Knitters

well, I’m in an extraordinarily good mood today!
sometimes all it takes is the realization that things could be worse…
and they’re not.
cryptic.
trust me, be glad that I am.

what’s up tomorrow?  don’t know and don’t care.

I Know I Have Been Happiest

I know I have been happiest at your side;

But what is done, is done, and all’s to be.

And small the good, to linger dolefully-

Gayly it lived, and gallantly it died.

I will not make you songs of hearts denied,

And you, being man, would have no tears of me,

And should I offer you fidelity,

You’d be, I think, a little terrified.

Yet this the need of woman, this her curse:

To range her little gifts, and give, and give,

Because the throb of giving’s sweet to bear.

To you, who never begged me vows or verse,

My gift shall be my absence, while I live;

But after that, my dear, I cannot swear.
–Dorothy Parker

I hate to be heretical, but the best band BY FAR last night was MUSE.
the guy plays piano and guitar EXPERTLY.  it was fascinating!   honestly, the yeahyeahyeahs played poorly… it may have been influenced by the sound equipment malfunctions, but while I could see where I might have loved them as a kid… their performance was ho-hum. 

X will always be my favorite but there is a difference in young music, an energy, a newness.  Exene and John are gods still, however.  they even played a song of their side project, The Knitters!  wooooooooo!  my fave!  I was sorely disappointed that they were pretty yawningly received.  I was a-hollerin’.  so was the other 30sumpin year old woman in my general vicinity.  oh well.  I have outlived my societal usefulness.

Franz Ferdinand was excellent and reminded me (his presence) quite a bit of Prince.  actually he reminded me even more of Maurice Austin, a chain-smoking, bookstore working, alcoholic who I used to “date” around 89, 90 or so.  oh, and who stole my bass.  fucker.  but he had nice hair. 

I love the Violent_Femmes, always have… I even own one Brian Richie’s solo albums.  they are amazing musicians.  the way Ritchie plays that bass is fascinating… he also plays a variety of unusual instruments with great proficiency.  also, the drummer?  he KILLS me, I love him so much.  I guess I kind of expected excellence from them, however.  is that wrong?  I hate to say this, but I was disappointed by the P-Furs.  He seemed not to know some of his own songs.  the vocals were sloppy, and not in that intended sloppy way either.  still, it was good, fine, you know.  Pretty in Pink is still Pretty in Pink.

we spent a goodly amount of time people-watching, in particular laughing at people who had wet-grass butts.  that was highly amusing.  oh and there was the girl who stood on a chair and danced through the WHOLE SEVERAL HOURS.  she was fun.  she was actually a good dancer.

we had to leave before Presidents of the United States of America, sigh.  we’d have loved to stay, but Echo and the Bunnymen was as long as we could manage.  it was freaking cold and wet, and we had kids with us.  I also wanted to get home before dawn.

I got a fucking speeding ticket.  honestly, is 71 in a 60 really speeding?  I mean REALLY??  condescending bastard.  okay, it’s speeding, but it’s not Speeding, kwim.  I’d never even been pulled over before.  stellar.

***oh, and I saw Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow friday night… it is an absolute MUST SEE.  FABULOUS, sweetie-darling.

I’m going to see X today!

I’m completely bereft of energy, but am concentrating on using my will to drum some up.  your will is a powerful thing… few things more powerful.

I’m driving a full van over and back.  Menda and I, and our teens.  I thought about wearing my ramones tee (the new one, not the tight, vintage one), but decided I’d try for once to be a grownup.  still wearing my chucks, though.

I finished re-reading Beauty today.  very uplifting.

va bene, babies, va bene… because I will it to be.

still nothing new on brian yet, but I should hear back about his surgery this evening, I hope.  his dad’s back.  that’s good.

last night was a dark night of the soul.  I’d actually been quite centered about the other crap going on, but it was parenting and patience that were my fall.  I have been stuck in the house with sick children for over two weeks now.  there’s been the flu, a horrible flu-ish cold, and now pink-eye.  add to that my own kidney infection and the fact that I’m premonsteral, wow, what a cooker.

everybody’s been snarky and I’ve been trying to stay even.  I’ve got The Sulker, The Crier, and A Mighty Whinge.  these people who are horribly sick can sure trash a room with amazing speed and then be “too sick” to put the things back.  oh, and add that the Whinge has taken to waking me up every hour on the hour during the night to say, “I can’t sleep.”  or I hear someone coughing…  can you say One Half-cocked Insane Motherfucker?

so last night I bellowed at EVERYONE. 
I HAVE HAD IT!!!
I AM AT THE END OF MY TETHER!!!
I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!

and maude help me, I think I said, “I hate you all…” though I muttered it very lowly and don’t actually think they heard me.  and BELIEVE me, after that I was shocked back to reality, apologized for yelling, and put them all to bed, where they were warned to STAY.

I had also called my mother early in the day to tell her I needed some help or I was going to snap… and she hadn’t called me back as of the time of said snappage.  she says she may be able to watch the kids while I get out for a few hours (I desperately want to see Sky Captain and the Somethingorother of Tomorrow).  but of course, she also had to say that I would be much better rested if I put the children to bed at a decent hour like she had done with us.  wtf??  I put the kids to bed the same time she put us to bed.  so many people seem to have these ideas about me they gleaned completely out of the air.  it’s really messed up.

holy moly, what a night… but they did leave me alone overnight and I got about six hours.  whew.

nothing new on brian yet…
thank you for all your energy.

I need some good energy sent my step-brother’s way…

he was hit by a car riding his bike to his second week of medical school.  he has a bad concussion and a huge gash on his face which will require surgery later in the week.  please send brain health vibes.  pretty face vibes would be good, but brain health is more important.

Colin and Brian at breakfast

his dad is incommunicado, fishing in montana. 
he’s such a good, smart kid.

the nature of love
as told by satori

you feel
this or that person makes you feel
makes you feel like no one ever has before
makes you feel something about yourself
something you like
something empowering

that is not love
love is not feeling
love is action in the world
the love that is acted out is a metaphor
for the dao
as close as we get
to god

the feeling is the dividend
a cookie from the divine
but if you gorge yourself on cookies
eschewing your dinner
you get colon cancer of the soul
or you barf
or you get time out

your world is too small
stop staring at the light in your closet
pale reflection that it is of what is eternal
go out and see the sun

and newsflash:  no one makes you feel anything
it’s all you, baby
for good or for ill