the cheeldren are laughing their asses off to this:

click_me and play Amityville Toaster.

well, of course, so am I

for the last few days we’ve been walking around saying, “yum yum yum… human hand,” under our breath.

I just gave a 22 pound dead animal a butter massage.

I’m eating potatoes for dinner.

know what?
chicken butt.

turkey turkey TUR-KEY, I will cook a tur-key…
do the turkey dance with me now!  turkey turkey TUR-KEY…

my mom took me to costco and bought me ton o’ food.  actually, she bought me pretty much anything I indicated I wanted.  I should have gotten creative but I am now stocked up on tylenol and double A batteries.  heh.  don’t ask.  she also bought me xmas lights.  I managed to find some that didn’t offend my sensibilites.  outside ones, I mean.  I’m not much for illuminated deer.  I’ll take a piccie if I ever get off my ass and put them up.  I, unlike my neighbors, wait till after thanksgiving.  also I need a wreath hanger.  I’m thinking target might have that.

Paula and I are heading to the liquor store friday.  we’re having a partay.  all two point five of our friends are coming and we may even have a line on some acquaintances!  there’s a new drink Paula wants to try but we’re going to substitute chambord for grand marnier.  I’ll be purchasing not one, but TWO, count them, TWO kinds of tequila… the mixing kind, and the sipping kind.  there are going to be kids around so things won’t get too out of hand. 

one of my dads called to say that he and his wife wouldn’t be coming to the dinner.  I think it was a relief to us all as I’m not sure how well my mom’s current hub would handle having both my dads there.  one is going to be interesting enough.  gawd I wish there was someone else coming as a buffer.  unnnnnnnngh.  I’m not waiting till friday to buy the tequila.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

I just realized I don’t have a picture of Paula.  I shall have to remedy that.

The summer after I turned twenty Paula and I drove 200 miles to my university town to look for an apartment for me.  We were driving my big green ford truck, the one I drove before I got my little red king cab (baby you’re much too fast…).  we had gotten about fifteen minutes out of town and Paula was looking out the window.  We live in a big orcharding area and both of us come from fruit families.  She said, “that’s odd, there aren’t any blossoms on those trees…”  So I said, “well maybe they’re nut trees!”  She paused, looked over at me scornfully and said, “NO Lara, they’re TREES!”

A decade and a half later and it’s STILL good for a belly laugh…

I tried to take a cleavage pic, but frankly it was just the wrong bra or sumpin.  it looked lewd… gross.  I’ll try again another time.

here’s my reading spot:

and here’s where we eat:

I’m having one of those days where everything feels beautiful, luscious.  after dropping the smallest girlie off at preschool I went to the coffee shop to read some of my book club book.  the counter people remember what I drink!  they were so friendly!  the music was just right, there was new art on the walls… all the tables were taken so I sat on the wicker sofa.  all around me the colors were so rich.   I felt as if I was part of a living painting and nothing came along to break the spell the whole hour I was there.  people smiled at me when I would look up; their conversations harmonized like soft bells.  it was lovely.

all my errands are finished and the feeling still lingers.  it feels so good to live in this moment.  my body is one big smile.  tonight Paulasaurus and I are off to dinner and a show.  oh, and I have a line on a great job.  life is beautiful.

I know I sound like I’m high, or retarded, but I’m not, I swear.

so late this last summer my friend Paula was out walking.  it was dark and her neighborhood is fine but a little sketchy in places at night.  she got this weird feeling which put her on edge.  while Paula gets a little overwrought about things (once my mother had to call her and tell her that it was HIGHLY unlikely that she had gum cancer), she does watch a lot of Buffy the Vampire Slayer reruns, honing her defense skills, so she just shrugged and kept walking.

then, she started to hear someone coming up on her, coming up quickly.  as panic set in, she began to turn and glimpsed an eerily tall shadow moving steadily…  then just as swiftly as it came up, it went by…

a man on a tall unicycle.

I nearly wet myself laughing when she told me this story.  we laugh about it nearly every time we talk, as in:

Paula:  people like us shouldn’t have guns around.
Me:  no, that’s what I told David, and it really was true…
Paula:  …more for their own protection
(laughing)
Me:  cos now think how bad it would have been if you had a gun.  imagine trying to explain why you shot a man on a unicycle.
(laughing our asses off)

in case you forgot…
I’m all about boobies and good shoes.

my sisty and I are having a surprise party for my mom’s sixtieth birthday.  I had an outfit to wear, a black skirt and a wrap blouse (with cleavage propping lace bustier), but no appropriate shoes.  I haven’t worn regular dress shoes since I had kids.  wow, that’s fifteen years (since I certainly didn’t wear them when pregnant either).  whenever I wore a dress or skirt, I’ve always worn loafers, boots, or sandals.  well, I’ve never worn this skirt before, and it’s too nice for the shoes/boots I have.  so I bought some: (yay for available credit…)

they were, I kid you not, the highest heel in the store (at 2 inches).  this tells a lot about where I shop.

for months now I’ve been slavering over these puppies:

but funds haven’t exactly been plentiful and I couldn’t find a reason to NEED them.  but the other night, after having bought such “sensible” shoes, I broke down.  they’re on their way.

mmmmmmm… ahhhhhhhhh…

I haven’t wanted any THING so badly since I was seventeen years old.  it’s a weird feeling.  it really is.  and the thing I wanted at seventeen?  short, brown, pointy cowboy boots.  they were a little more of a milky brown with a lizard emboss to the leather, zodiac brand.  it wasn’t that I just wanted cowboy boots.  I already had a pair of tan and grey frye boots.  it was THOSE boots I wanted.  but they were waaaay too much money.  they were 125 dollars back when good boots cost about half that.  so that summer I graduated and got TWO jobs.  supposedly I was working to make money for school, but really, it was all about those boots.

they made me feel like a goddess… for well over ten years.  then they disappeared.  I don’t remember when.  I think they were bootnapped.

…and that these are their reincarnation, come to herald a new era of satiety and peace on earth.  well, for me anyway.  your mileage may vary.

a nod to Kallikrates for this one…

A is for age: 37

B is for brand of clothes: Bryn Walker

C is for career: child advocate

D is for dads name: John Phillip R., Robert Hasson S. Jr.

E is for essential item to bring to a party: brandied apple/goat cheese canapes

F is for favorite song at this moment: She’s Only Happy in the Sun, Ben Harper

G is for girlfriend:  HDL, DNW, Ignatzmi, SimoneSez, AnxietyZone, Elsa … many more, but those are the ones I see in the non-computer world

H is for hometown: I was born in Virginia, but I consider Denver my hometown. 

I is for instruments you play: bohdran, a little electric bass (police basslines only)

J is for jam or jelly you like: my aunt’s plum jam or lemon curd

K is for kids: 14 year old boy (babynick: bird), 7 year old girl (babynick: bean), 4 year old girl (still calling her “baby”)

L is for living arrangement: a three bedroom two bath, aqua-grey ranch house on a hill, with three kids and a seriously ferocious cat that thinks she’s a dog

M is for moms name: Suellen (no middle name)

N is for name of your best friend: that’s too hard to call

O is for overnight hospital stays: once when I was seven and three times for birthing. 

P is for phobia(s): making phone calls.  seriously.  and heights but only if I could fall (ie cliff=bad, building=tolerable, bridge=sweaty and nervous)

Q is for quote you like: fill what’s empty.  empty what’s full.  scratch where it itches.  ~Dorothy Parker 

R is for relationship that lasted the longest:  aside from my parents, AnxietyZone and Cindy at 25 years… Paula 22 years, of the non-platonic variety, my marriage

S is for school you attend: 1 university, 2 community colleges, 2 continents

T is for time you wake up: 6:30 to 7:15am, preferably 10am

U is for unique trait: I get hiccup/burps.  is that a trait or a condition?  um, I bite.

V is for vegetable you love: jicama …I think bacon should be a vegetable.

W is for worst habit: deluding myself

X is for x-rays you’ve had: teeth, heart, ankle, back

Y is for yummy food you make: penne with three cheese cream sauce, dried cranberries, and pine nuts

Z is for zodiac sign: Pisces Sun, Capricorn Moon, Leo ascendent

wanna hear something weird?

you know how some guys will say that if they were women they’d just sit around all day and play with their boobs?  I find that if I’m wearing a cleavage bra and a lowish cut shirt that I have the same inclination.  I’m sitting here leaning over the keyboard perusing junk and have to constantly remind myself to get my hands offa my cleavage.  soooooooo soffffffffft.

no more v-necks for me.

I just used the last paper towel on the roll.   I was clearing my tea cup from my desk, preparing to shut down for the night… it’s dark.  it’s a dark cup.  I was walking and kind of tipped it a bit to see how much was left… poured it all over myself and the floor.  do I get a prize?

I played golf saturday… funny how the mundane can be transcendental given the right frame of mind.  I talk to myself, and covertly watch the other golfers.  I didn’t land in the rough even ONCE.  no lost balls.  it was golden.  one time I got really disgusted because I couldn’t find my ball off the drive, looked all around.  it was on the green!  I still two putted, but DAYUM. 

my kids were away but I went to the kid movie with four cute knee biters and a cute grownup.  AND then I watched a rental movie with aPaulda.  sleepy hollow, johnny depp.  nice way to end the evening.  the next morning I woke up around six as usual, lay there for an hour or so just thinking, then put on my sleep mask and dozed off.  I dreamed that my high school friends were living in my basement, I could play the guitar, and I had two million dollars.  odd.  then I woke up and it was TWO PM!  WOAH.  I don’t think I”ve ever slept that late in my entire lifetime.  you know, not without having stayed up until ten am.  I had to take a shower and get on the road to pick up the kids.  it was like losing an entire day.  weird that.

today I applied for a mess of jobs, some of which sound highly promising! 

love,
Pollyanna