SNOW DAY!! 
I was just set to go out the door and school called and said they’re
cancelling… yaaay!  I could certainly use the hours but I’d have
to shovel my driveway to get out, so again, yay.  plus, I’m all up
and dressed so maybe I’ll accomplish something today.  that would
be nice.  I need to go get my studded tires put on my car which
takes hours of waiting.  woooo.  now I have the hours to
spare.

I need to get a new pair of black shoes that I can stand in all day
long.  the only ones I have that are cold friendly are “too
casual” to wear at school.  apparently my chuck taylors are
anathema to those with good taste.  whatever.  excuse for new
shoes.  I’m going to get some keens.  hopefully those pass
muster.  you wouldn’t believe some of the heels my classmates wear
all day.

Monster Bitch Session

so I’d meant to call my dad and tell him how much I appreciated him
finishing my tea house so my neighborhood ass’n would get off my ass
about it.  I really felt grateful.  but I’ve been so busy and
tired, and sick.  today I got a letter from him telling me that he
was thinking that he knew I’d struggled with depression and that he
thought that he’d never seen me so bad (??) as now.  also he
implied that I was a poor parent because of it.  he enclosed
clippings from the paper about depression meds and how divorce scars
children.  fucking great.

my other dad told me a month or so ago that I was becoming a poor
parent and that I’d better shape up or I might lose
custody.   I just found out from my mother (who thinks I’m a
fiscal nightmare, but so far has not besmirched my parenting) that
happened because she found out from the kids that the ex was working on
them to get them to come live with him.  he said that if he didn’t
have to pay child support they could afford a nice house for all of
them (and his girlfriend and her son).  so mom and dad (divorced)
talked and decided that since mom was on my case already about
financial crap that he would be the one to kick my ass and get me in
gear, but NOT TELL ME about the custody thing. 

my head aches.  I have a nasty cough.  my lymph nodes
hurt.  my ears hurt.  I fall asleep whenever I get the
chance.  I haven’t had the opportunity to rest up and get
better.  I probably could use antibiotics but I can’t afford to go
to the doctor.  if it gets worse I will, but I just had to buy
cold weather clothes for my middle daughter.  my mother would
probably have bought them if I’d asked her but I don’t want to ask her
for anything.  I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m just sayin’ I
don’t have the energy to put on my ‘stellar parent mask’ for
company.  I don’t think that makes me a bad parent.  I’m just
fucking tired.

I get up at 6am, get everyone out on their way, do school, get everyone
settled, give them some attention, make dinner, make sure they get
homework done, make sure they get to have friends over, drive them
places, shop for food, make lunches, bathe them, clean, do laundry, do
my own homework (I had a research project this week), get them to bed,
try to get some sleep.

I don’t have the kids for thanksgiving and I was thinking how great it
would be to do nothing but NO, I’m expected to go to TWO different
family dinners.  I’d rather go to fodon’s, but that would just
mean three.  it always works out this way:  I have so many
obligations that the thing I WANT to do falls by the wayside because I
have no energy or time.

and they think they’re HELPING me.  my dad is showing up to take
my daughter to the ski swap, not for her skis, but because he’s getting
skis for a friend’s child and thinks it would be fun for them to hang
out.  well, you know what?  my daughter might think it was
fun to hang out as a mother/kids for one fucking time.  plus, it
means I have to get up at fucking 6am yet another day.  I am not a
morning person.  then tomorrow night is the play my mother is
taking them all to.  you know to help us all out, make special
time.

special time THEIR WAY.  no one asks me, or my kids what we
want.  and why can’t I say no?  because I’ve seen what
happens when I say no and it’s worse.  I remember why I moved
away.  and the thing is, I do need their help.  you know,
just in case something goes really wrong, which it tends to do. 
they think they own me and sometimes I think they’re right.

I was thinking:  well, the kids will grow up and I’ll move
away.  then I realized that my parents will be old by then and
I’ll have to start taking care of them.  I tell ya, I’m not
depressed until I start thinking about things like that.  it’s a
train of thought that doesn’t lead anywhere good.

but there’s a big part of me that just wants them to fuck off and leave me alone for ONE FUCKING WEEKEND.

I’m sick.  in a head cold sort of way.  sore throat, sore
ears, sore head… only one working nostril.  one of the chicks is
slightly sick too, though thankfully not as badly as me.  I feel
like I’ve been underwater– weird dreams and whatnot.

my dad’s coming this weekend to help me finish a carpentry
project.  I have a deadline (per subdivision rules) so snot or no
snot I’ll be working in the yard… rain or no rain.  I can’t
think.

when I was married I didn’t worry about things like yardwork and
snow.  now I find myself dreading first snowfall like crazy. 
I have a snow shovel which is no great tool given the icy humps of snow
the plow will pile against my driveway.  crap.  I still can’t
afford a gutter over the front door so there will also be the slick ice
floe up the front path.

I have more, possibly even more pressing, things to crab about but I
don’t feel like it.  I just don’t know how I’m going to get all
this done.  let’s face it:  I’m not.  I’m just getting
through today.

on the upside, the first brownie meeting is done (I was super sick, but
made it through).  I’m the fucking leader.  no one else could
do it.  I think I’m nearly to that point where you laugh till you
cry.