this is my eye color today.  I don’t think they’re normally this green.
my eyes usually only get this green when I’m angry.
yesterday the stimulus that upset me didn’t make me angry right away.
it was a slow burn.  it snuck up on me, boom.
I feel okay this morning but last night I was pissed (as in angry, not drunk).
I was at school and had just finished up a partial foil and haircut,
sweeping up hair and tidying the station.  a guy came up to the
window and was mouthing the ‘hey, I can’t believe that’s you’
spiel…  and ‘can you get some coffee?’  I flashed ten
fingers, ten minutes.  I finished up, got my stuff, and went
outside.  I let him know that I only had a few minutes to grab
something to take back to school, that I really needed the hours, but
he could walk with me while I picked up lunch.  it was the guy I hadn’t
seen in many years, the guy who beat me up at a really traumatic
juncture in my life (irrespective of the beating).  I wrote about
it a few months ago, how I had enough and knocked him out.  it’s
an ugly episode.

I said goodbye at the door to the school and he wanted to give me his
phone number so I wrote it down in my checkbook.  he said to
call.  I think we know I won’t call.  I went inside, had a
little gumbo, and had my eyebrows dyed and waxed and my haircolor
touched up.  I went outside to sweep (my evening “duty”) and got
caught up in a convo with a man who was walking, rather ‘shuffling’ by
(some sort of motor malady in his legs)… he asked me if I knew who he
was (I hate it when people do that, just effing tell me…) and it
turned out he was my mom’s second cousin, her uncle’s best friend…
his daughter Trina is my age and we went to daycare together when we
were three and my parents were first divorced.  I told him I had
pictures of us at her birthday party and halloween.  they’re
actually in my bedside table.  while we were talking some
gorgeous, tall, young man hopped out of a car halfway down the block
and called, “hi Lara!” before walking into a shop.  I waved back
thinking, “who do I know that is that good looking?” (I didn’t have my glasses on).  in hindsight
it must be one of those boys I met hanging out with Fodon.  nice
guys.  Brandon?  perhaps.

so I went home, made dinner… read for a few hours on bitterwaitress
dot com.  I sent the kids to bed and was REALLY cranky.  it
took me a little while to figure out why.  that guy.  what
the fuck?  why would you want to have coffee with someone you beat
the snot out of?  okay maybe if you wanted to say you were sorry,
but he didn’t say anything of any value.  fucking loser, for real,
serious loser.  I thought, now why did I go?  well, I’d known
he was in town (had his picture in the paper) and now he knew where I
was… I guess my exact reasoning is that I wanted it settled. 
done.  now there’s no need to ever speak to each other
again.  he doesn’t have to wonder if he sees me… do I want to
talk to him.  no I don’t.  obviously I have his number, know
where he is and NO, nothing.  I want nothing.

but my eyes are still green.