time wounds all heels.

my arm’s in a sling… waaaaah! it’s really painful and it is hard to do stuff. like type, or work, or put on clothes. bleah.

I’ve been so worried this morning. I seriously thought I was having angina or a heart attack. Yesterday around two I started having this feeling like I needed to pop my chest, you know pin back your shoulder blades till something gives, and weird feeling in my right arm. I remember thinking, “wow, it feels like my arm might spontaneously break.” Not a pain, per se, but a sensation. Then last night around ten my whole arm was so sharply painful that I couldn’t move it. Right arm, right? Plus I get tendonitus in that elbow and had been leaning all weird on the computer desk. But by midnight it was so painful I was worried. I was most worried that I won’t be able to work the wedding I’m helping out with (nails) tomorrow.

But this morning I woke up and it was not so painful at all… which seemed weird to me. Then I started to worry. And freak out about having no health insurance. I decided that if I called to find out if I needed to come in they just might wig on me and make me take an ambulance or something so I took a shower first. And started filling out paperwork for the state’s lame-ass insurance (which would at least pay for an office visit at some point months in the future).

So I called my mom, who was on the road to Seattle, and got Papa John’s back-office phone number. He’s a doctor, GP and past ER physician. I left him a message and he called me back right away. He says the pain in my arm doesn’t sound like heart-related pain at all. It sounds like bursitis or a rotater cuff thing. He says it could just be stress-related. My mom also said when she was going through her divorce and being a single parent she had similar things, and her SVT (heart thing we both have) got worse, and all kinds of weird pain.

You know how cartoon characters look when they “burst” into tears, with the tears jumping out of their face? That can really happen. I’m starting to feel a little relief now that I’m not thinking I’m going to drop dead in the shower or lose my house to medical bills. Not today anyway. Knock wood.

I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue.

I mistakenly purchased a padded bra, black satin, double lingerie straps. Mistakenly cos, well, the last thing I need is padding, but this is padded UNDERNEATH. I just have to say– and I NEVER use this word– I keep looking down my shirt and my cleavage is AWESOME. I’m going to order more…

did I make it up in my head?
this reality I held?
I think: what the…
what the…?
–these things that make me doubt myself
–these things that make me lose my faith
–these things that make me lose
am I becoming harder than I once was?
will I start asking for proof?
“let’s get together sometime…”
“WHEN?” I’ll say.
how far does doubt go?
when I put one foot in front of the other
will I end up where I think I’m going?
what if I take a step and float right up to the moon?
what if gravity stops working today… what then?
do I start carrying weights in my pockets just in case?
if the sun doesn’t come up tomorrow
I’m sleeping in.

LOVE IS NOT CONCERNED