I had a long week. my shoulder is starting to hurt again so I decided I needed to not work today to rest it, but I couldn’t say no. I have an appointment cos I really like the person but it turns out I still resent it. I need to learn to say no and not feel bad.

I’d been so looking forward to this morning to sleep in. what happens at six am? I go to wake up the kids and shake them down and they’re already up. “It’s picture day!” what. the. fuck?? I lost it. I was so g.d. mad. And the kindergartner didn’t happen to bring home a packet. And the older one had a teary meltdown because I don’t want her school pictures with her hair in a ponytail, bangs in her eyes. And they need a bath. And it cost $70. that was why I stayed late the last two days, to make enough money to pay the overdue phone and garbage bills so they don’t get cut off.

it’s been a really long time since I asked for or accepted any help from my mother and I’m skating the edge of not making it… but at least I could feel good about it. now I have to decide whether to deal with the embarrassment of asking the phone company not to cut off my phone for a few days or ask my mom for a loan. she would give me the money. she’s asked if I need any. it just comes with strings… she wants to see my finances… wants to comment about my “lifestyle.” independance has a cost. I realize I’m lucky that I have a backup if need be, but it actually makes it harder to decide to pull myself up by the bootstraps. it’s like you quit drinking and there’s someone following you around with a flask asking you if you want a drink.

september sucks. they nickel and dime you at school and I have THREE kids. ten bucks for this here, fifteen there… “I got into the special choir performing in (city 1.5 hours away– $30 in extra gas)!” and they fucking want me to participate in their fucking fundraiser? fuck you. I’m not hawking your wrapping paper and neither is my kid.

my kid who didn’t tell me about picture day. this morning she asks me, “Can I go home with Jessie on the bus after school?” I look at her through crazed incredulous eyes.

I’m so angry this morning. so overwhelmed and frustrated. I feel like I’m usually pretty happy but I live so close to the edge that it scares me.

so the upshot is that I’m up for good. not enough sleep in me. have to go to work. I’m pissed. and it’s not anyone’s fault unless it’s actually mine which makes me more pissed.

shivvvvvvvver… I guess somebody just walked over my grave.

It took me four hours to get seen and pick up antibiotics last night. SEE? this is why I try to fix my insides with half-assed home remedies. home remedies will cure stuff if it’s not too far gone, usually. I’ve never had warts but I can’t see any possible sense in rubbing a wart with a potato and burying it (the potato). am I spelling that right, potato? ever since Dan Quayle I get really nervous any time I have to spell that. it always looks wrong to me, either way. and is it potatoes or potatos? yeah, yeah, poTAHto, whatthefuckever.

And the doctor wrote the wrong last name on the script… and the pharmacy lost my records… and my pills. these things happen to me. they happen all the time. don’t get in line behind me anywhere; at least 50 percent of the time you’re in for a total cluster fuck if you do. I don’t really bitch about it most of the time. I’m used to it. but dammit, last night walking out of the Walgreen’s I lost it. big fat tears… the silent kind… and I felt sorry for myself, very very sorry… but I got over it. now I’m just glad the pills done made my coochie stop hurtin.

Ten hours I worked today. it felt just fine, really good even. I had a few breaks, really chatty clients, big tips. I even went to the coffee shop for a cup of soup in between. still, I’m not quite right. I feel great but I had to have my last client make her own change. the haircut was 25 dollars; she had two twenties. I had a ten and two fives, and I laid them next to hers on the counter. I said, “I’m sorry, I’m so tired my brain is totally broken. I can’t count. you’re going to have to make your own change.” and she did. and she tipped me really well. maybe she was brokeass-tired too. luckily she’s a friendly acquaintance of mine and I think it amuses her that I’m insane. plus I gave her a PLUM piece of gossip so, meh, not so bad.

goodnight Gracie.

That was from an IM over two years ago and it still sticks in my mind. Careful what you say as it may be quoted years in the future. Possibly even misquoted. I’m more likely to get it right if you put it in writing. And enclose five dollars.

How about this one:

“Don’t pamper your vomit.”
…VeryModern

So anyway, I’ve taking a bunch of pills in the last few days: aspirin, garlic, cranberry, immodium, claritin, AZO (otc pyridium), tylenol, sudafed, aleve… I think that’s it (that’s enough). I was wondering, I mean what if some of these don’t work well together? What if they cancel each other out? What if they give me superfluous body hair?

I didn’t take them all at once, of course, but several. So here’s another question– is that a meal? Some of those capsules are bulky. What kind of a caloric intake am I looking at here? Oh yeah, and I ate a bunch of sugar babies which are certain to improve conditions in my urinary tract.

I got up yesterday morning, went to work… worked all day (went to lunch with Brooke) then stopped at the coffee shop for a cup of soup. I posted pics of work from there while chatting to a succession of people about my laptop. Honestly, I have no idea why they were so interested. weird, but nice.

My shoes were mom shoes and I was covered in hair so I decided to run home and change… into motorcycle boots and a hotter tee shirt (spaghetti straps with a light cardi over the top). Suzanne picked me up from home and we went to the local tequila bar. She had a beer and I had two glasses of wine. We must have been there for quite a while cos when we got to the coffee shop the music was already over! damn! Fodon’s tuesday night friends (wednesday? friday?) were there and it turns out Suz knows them pretty well too. We went on down to a restaurant bar for another drink and banter. The tuesday crew wanted to go to this cheezy hotel bar for reasons they were unable to explain. We went along, but Suz was less than excited. She was afraid one of her ex-boyfriends from long ago would be working the door. He was. bleah. He proceeded to give us this very actorly proclamation, not right to us, mind you, but in our general direction, that the club was full and that we’d need to wait on the velvet rope for someone to come out.

One of the tuesday nighters put his arm around Suz and said, “OH HONEY, C’MON THIS’LL BE SO MUCH FUN… I CAN’T WAIT TO DANCE WITH YOU, HONEY.” He did a good job. Sadly, I, decided at that moment to launch into my diatribe, though rather cheerily, that HELL NO I WASN’T WAITING ON LINE FOR ANYTHING IN THIS TOWN. WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE DO THAT? …directly to the people waiting in line. oy.

yeah. Suz wanted to go anyway so we took off leaving them to wait in line for god knows what reason. It was a skank-haven. Hmm, I guess that’s the reason. Anyway, we went off to check out another place before going home, a normal place where people were listening to Metallica (made Suzanne happy) and playing pool (made me happy). We had a beer. At that point it was midnight and we needed to get to her place to take her daughter’s friend home.

My son told me this morning that Cami and Hannah told him on myspace that when they got in the car I said, “HI, I’M DYLAN’S MOM, AND I’M A LITTLE TOASTED.” Apparently they thought it was hilarious. eeeeeee. I’m sure I thought it was too. Dylan reminded me of the time that he was heading out for a date and Fodon and I were standing in the kitchen having a glass of wine… and I said, “YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE SHIT.” gaaaaaah. It makes him laugh, but damn… I think I get a little too uninhibited.

So anyway, we proceeded to drop Cami off and the three of us drove to a neighborhood and roamed around in the trees, bushes, and parking lots. It was fun sneaking around. Good, clean fun. I picked up a cat. Suz and Hannah saw a UFO (I wasn’t wearing my glasses… can’t confirm). Then we drove through taco bell. In the drive through the tuesday nighters called on my cell and wanted us to come play some more… they’d go somewhere else… where did we want to go? I was of the mind to tell them we’d go then just not show up but Suz said NO, tell them the truth. I really need to keep a handle on that drunken bitchiness thing. They called twice while we were in the drive through. Nope, still not going.

So we ate tacos and yapped on the way to my house. I had a great time. I think Suz did too. She drank very little over the course though and I hope I didn’t overwhelm her. She seemed to be having fun. I hope that’s how it looks in retrospect. I can be a bit much. That’s an odd realization for me. But I am who I am. If I really think about it, I’d have acted the same way on a few coffees or sodas. We shall see.

I had to stay up really late to sober up but I did eventually get to sleep. At six am I woke and snapped at the cat to quit purring so loudly. I feel just fine today but I am a little slow on the draw.

the manicure station–

my station–

view to the door from my station–

shampoo/pedi room–

where I rips the hairs of willing victims–

“As I lay dying the woman with the dog’s eyes would not close my eyes as I descended into Hades.”
–Agamemnon to Odyssius; Homer, The Odyssey

Are you a grown-up?
I don’t ever feel like a grown-up.
I look like one.
I don’t always dress like one
but sometimes I do.
You can look old
be old
but not truly be grown up.
When you eat your vegetables
not because you like them
not because you should
but because you finally realize
colon cancer is a Real Thing that Could Happen To You
and that while Living Hard and Leaving a Beautiful Corpse sounds really cool
you may actually have other shit to do in twenty years…
then maybe you’re starting to grow up.
Even if you still kind of think vegetables suck it.

tipsy on a tuesday.
blissssssssss.
the birthday wine I saved,
luscious.
thinking of friends
“I do not count the time…”
Thinking of Rachel, Elsa, Kim…
Jennifer, Suzanne, Brooke..
ah so much fun.
I thought I was coming down with something
but I’m not.

I downloaded this song (Judy Collins) cos I used to sing it as a kid.
Judy Collins sang in my church choir in Denver…
tonight I realized I had this version already!
and I think it’s better.

dancing with my son to Marvin Gaye
making an unusually nutritious dinner
well received at that
(I may faint)

“Sad, deserted shore, your fickle friends are leaving
Ah, but then you know it’s time for them to go”

I have such good friends,
such good friends.
was there ever a better time in my life?
no.

ah yes.

“I have no fear of time.”

mmmmmmmm.

sean808080 said tag ourselves if we liked for
FIVE THINGS YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME:
1. I’m dislexic with numbers… which has left me with phone phobia (ameliorated by therapy) since I dialed so many wrong numbers as a kid.
2. I have sensory integration issues (as does one of my kids)… and certain sensations, sound, touch, can send my nervous system into overload at the drop of a hat. I think related to this is the fact that I sense phantom smells (freezia yesterday) that evoke strong emotional connections and can identify people by their unique smells. people I dislike smell bad to me, but if my feelings change so does their smell.
3. I have mood eyes. they change color with my mood.
4. sometimes I sleep with the stuffed dog I’ve had since I was two (Brownie… he’s threadbare and missing an eye and his nose).
5. I like to be treated “like a lady”…I like to have doors opened for me, have them stand till I sit, etc. no one I’ve dated has been the type to send cut flowers. while in theory I think cut flowers are a bit sad, part of me longs for them. my girlfriends have sent me gorgeous bouquets and while lovingly appreciated it’s not the same.

As Sean said, if you’d like, consider yourself tagged.

I’m cruisin’ the internet at Caffe Mela this morning after an early appointment. I tried to click over to read Fodon but their server has determined that her content doesn’t fit what is allowed usage. Wow, even her blog gives off an aura of obscenity. COOL.

I got a series of calls from my Fairy, who was talking to her Fairy…
and they’re conspiring to make me a Princess Leia hat!!
what an amazing giftie!
I’m verklempt!