I watched the moon come up over the hill tonight. or really, I guess I saw the earth move to expose a view of the moon. either way– really pretty.

I have these anxiety dreams, where I’m taking a test, where I’m a waitress and I’ve got a full section and don’t know what I’m doing, and just lately where I’m working at the high stress salon where I turned down a job straight out of school. normally in the dream I anxiously struggle through feeling aweful. this week though something changed. I thought “I’m not in college anymore; this isn’t my class” and walked out… “these aren’t my tables, not my problem” and walked out… “I don’t work here and I’m not taking this appointment” and walked out. in the last scenario I walked out and saw all these people riding camels. all of a sudden I was riding a camel through a series of western bars. in one of the bars there was music and a dance floor and the deejay was saying “ask a lady to dance!” and I looked around to see that I was the only female and thought, “yeah, I don’t want to dance.” then the camel turned its head to look at me with its big brown eyes and licked my foot. I thought, “I really like this camel. I’m gonna stay on this nice camel.”

not even my anxiety can get at me now.

Metaphors R Us–
I was driving over the pass this afternoon. When no one is too close in front of me, or I have the latitude to pass I really like to keep my cruise control on. a few years ago I got a speeding ticket and I really don’t want another one so I have a speed I stick to, exactly as fast as I think I can get away with. what tends to happen is that I’ll come up on a slow car, pass them, then they’ll pass me back and end up going slow till I have to pass them again. then they tailgate me. I always wonder what the hell is wrong with them… cos here’s the thing: I’m going the same speed the whole damned time. this time I passed the guy right at the point where there was no more passing for several miles. I could see him inching up on my bumper and thought “I don’t need this shit” and flipped up my mirror so I didn’t have to watch.

don’t you know I don’t look back?

Last week a friend asked me if I’d given any thought to looking into anti-depressants. I told her I’d thought about it, and I appreciated her concern (I really did), but I thought it was situational and would pass. And it has!

We were at lunch today and as we were walking out I was smiling so hard I said, “DAMN, I feel so happy! …………gah, I’m not too happy am I?” She replied, “no, you’re not manic, you’re just back to how you always are.” Whew.

In fact, people are starting to react to me like they used to. Somebody pulled over today in the parking lot, to tell me they really liked the music they heard me blasting when I rolled in. People are back to randomly speaking to me, smiling at me on the street. I love it. I feel golden again.

I’m on the road, then out for live music tonight… doing wedding hair all day tomorrow, then out again for more music. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. that will be sunday.

Sorry I’ve been soaking up the attention and not giving back. that’s going to change.

Do you remember Rache’s guestblogging during her vacation a few years ago?
I was looking through my photo cache (looking for the “keep your fork THERE’S PIE!” image) and stumbled across the Barbie-log photos. I couldn’t remember what the text was so I searched this out:
Rache and Bill on vacay

ahhh, memories. I’m a crayola artiste, no? and Rache looks hott in a short denim skirt. mmmmm…

“where are we goin’– I don’t know; when will I be there– I ain’t certain; all I know is I am on my way…”

The only way out of something is through. I know often you end up backtracking before you get there, but I’ve already done that. I think I found my way out of the maze.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote of five stages of grief in her book “On Death and Dying.” They seem to apply to any loss/change that is emotionally significant. They don’t necessarily go in order either, and you can go back and forth between them before you’re done. Here’s to Acceptance!

Denial (this isn’t happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I’ll be a better person if…)
Depression (I don’t care anymore)
Acceptance (I’m ready for whatever comes)

Senor Blues… ala Taj Mahal

“Senor Blues is what they call him,
way down Mexicali way
Senoritas fallin’ for him,
with the hope that he will stay
By the time that they love him,
Senor Blues done gone away

Well he’s tall and good lookin’
and he always knows just what to say
Yes he’s tall and good lookin’
and he always knows just what to say
By the time that they love him,
Senor Blues done gone away”

The boys left the room before the girls and I got up. We had breakfast looking out over the mountains, beautiful. I’ve been hatin’ on this area for so long that sometimes I forget to see how deeply gorgeous it is in places. the mountains in Leavenworth, the Cascades, are as big and impressive as the alps. Firsthand I can confirm this. Lake Chelan is crisp, cold, and clear blue, fed by a glacier. I’m thinking I need to learn to bloom where I’m planted. There must be a reason I’m here.

So anyway, the boys didn’t come back till after check out time, causing me much freak-out-age, the result of which meant the girls didn’t get to swim.

I had to do it. The voices told me. It was the RIGHT thing to do. I used my one phone call on Fodon. I hope she shows up with bail.