been feeling like shit. crying and junk. my eyes are too swollen to wear makeup. but no one says anything. I guess they’re either being polite or they don’t notice. overwhelming oversensitivity and self-doubt. didn’t really know why till today. there’s been enough other stuff and just ongoing stuff, that it could have just been a buildup. but I realized, I think the trigger was my biological dad’s birthday on sunday. sent a card. probably not early enough to get there on time, cos I’m self-defeating like that. so I sent an email sunday, saying the card would likely be late (there were small presents in the card and the girls signed it too).
I didn’t get a reply. and I relegated that to the back of my mind. I compartmentalized it. I do that when initially confronted with something I’m not sure how to react to. gives me time to kind of mull it over without activating my sensitivities. today I’ve realized, however, while I’ve been peripherally aware of the situation, I haven’t allowed myself to face it dead on: my dad and I are estranged. he won’t take or return my calls or mails. his wife has been signing his name on cards. I knew it, but I chose to ignore it. my sister is not aware of there being anything wrong, as far as I hear. my dad still talks to/sees her and her family.
I feel kind of wrecked, but on one side I kind of think I don’t care very much anymore. but what it does do? makes me aware of feeling very small and alone. unsupported. makes me very sensitive to perceived slights in other areas. most of the time I genuinely feel pretty zen about stuff. about everything. but occasionally I feel really bereft. and alone.
I guess it’s just another road to walk. one that will lead to something else eventually. just try to keep moving.
