January 22, 2004

  • I feel like sally in when harry met sally… I spy a family…


    maybe it’s not fashionable or liberated, but all I really wanted out of life was a family.  kids, a husband who loved me, thought I was special…


    instead I got a husband who doesn’t like me,
    thinks I’m a bad person and a bad mother,
    doesn’t respect or trust me.


    you know what that tells me?  that he never really knew or loved me.


    but I loved him, you know?  it was real for me.


    why does it always turn out for shit, for me?


    I said for better for worse.  I meant it.
    why is it only ever me who means it?


    I want somebody to love me.  and it’s not going to happen.
    you can say whatever you want…I mean, if you said that, I’d try to tell you that you were wrong…  but I’m right.  nobody’s ever going to love me like that, and that’s not okay, but I think I need to get used to it.


    it’s just.  too.  much.
    I don’t wanna want it anymore.
    I wish my heart was dead.
    I think I’ll just watch tv nonstop till it is.


    this is not some kind of cry for help. 
    it’s not for you, it’s for me.
    I’m feeling sorry for myself…I’m entitled to.
    eventually I’ll stop.