March 9, 2004

  • I can feel myself slipping back into depression.
    I sat for over an hour in the car yesterday, in front of the guitar store, crying on the phone to my mom.  every so often someone would come to the window of the store and stare at me…and you know what?  I didn’t even care.  eventually I took the amp in to be fixed and they were super nice to me.


    I’m having trouble staying asleep and trouble feeling awake.
    I’m still walking on the treadmill though.
    the clean laundry hasn’t been folded and it’s been days.
    sealkitty, loveheart, thank you for the wonderful incredible package!
    I’ve not been able to thank you properly.
    wu… I’m sorry I didn’t call you back…  I had left a guestbook entry (or email?).
    I’ll try to call when I feel human.


    I know I’m self-pitying at the moment, and it will pass, but I can’t seem to get beyond it right now.  part of it is not being able to get him where it hurts… in his wallet.  that’s a big part.  the other part is the realization that however delusional I may think he is, it still stands that the person I poured my whole loving self into despises me and rejects all that I am.  that the person I loved with all my heart baits me and hurts me.


    I keep passing the open windows,
    walking on the treadmill,
    and showering.
    okay and I take care of the children, but that’s all I can manage.
    I have to look for a job now.