September 12, 2005

  • Repulsive


    huge epiphany…  VeryModern wrote today about feeling repulsive.  all of a sudden I had a moment of clarity and realized I’ve felt repulsive my entire life.  my family, so many people in my life, well, they’re repulsed.  I’m repulsive.  I’m not entirely sure what to make of it.  it’s not really any less painful to realize.  I mean, I don’t talk about it but sometimes I wonder, why doesn’t my mom like me?  where does my dad’s criticism come from?  I think about each thing they say to me and try to decide if it’s true.  sometimes it is, but often it is not, or I just don’t understand their perspective.


    anyway, many people either don’t get me, or they do get me and they just don’t like me.  repulsed.


    so I think maybe the celibacy thing, while it really does free up my energy to concentrate on getting my shit done, well, I think it’s also self-protective.


    I can’t take any more.  I’m full up on rejection/repulsion.  I’m done signing up for it.  so far the benefits have not outweighed the pain.  they have not.  I’m going to take the time to figure this out.  I don’t know if there’s anything I can do about it, but I guess I had better find out for sure.