August 22, 2006
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Let’s Just Be Friends
I think we all know that’s code, right? What it really means is “I no longer have sexual feelings for you but I want to reserve the right to recall you to active duty.” Or “I don’t like you as much as I thought I did and this is my way of letting you know without you freaking out.” My thought is that it is usually some combination of the two.
What is so disingenuous about using that phrase is that it’s a Line of the first order. It’s distancing. It triggers memories of rejection… from the freaking 8th grade! What real grown-up ends their relationships that way? If you have to ask if you’re friends, you’re not friends. Most of my ex-lovers are what I would call friendly acquaintances or buddies. But then most of my ex-lovers aren’t interested in the emotional intimacy of real friendship. At least not with me, anyway.
I am open to new friendships but if you weren’t able to sustain the emotional intimacy sleeping with me offered, you’re not going to be able to BE a friend to me. That’s cool, you’re not up to it… but that’s what I require in a friend. I have enough buddies. I have LOTS of buddies. I was looking to develop a friendship and that didn’t happen.
If the attraction died, that’s a different thing. Maybe after time passes a friendship could emerge. But honestly, for me, that’s unlikely since my rejection pain runs deep. I’d always feel one down. Maybe that’s not very evolved of me, but it’s true. Perhaps I’ll grow out of it, I hope I will, but perhaps not.
Most people think they have several friends. Most people would be wrong. If you have a friend you are very, very lucky. I learned that in my early twenties, and I learned it good. I was once homeless with a child and I know who was there for me and who wasn’t. Tragedy helps you figure out who your friends are, or if you have any. A friend who won’t tell you you’re full of shit is no friend at all.
It’s really nice to have buddies. I have lots of buddies whom I love. They are so much fun, so funny, so bright! But real friendship is deeper. Fodon is a friend. Elsa is a friend. Most people just aren’t willing to get in that deep. And that’s fine too! But I really hope they’re in that deep with SOMEbody or they’ll never be Real, you know, like the Velveteen Rabbit. Come on in, the water’s deep but the water’s FINE.
“And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.”
…Kahlil GibranIt’s a cliche’ because it’s true.
Comments (13)
I’d have to agree. A friend stands beside you when the stench of the shit around you is so strong, even they are puking. That could be your own bullshit (which, as you noted, they’d hopefully point out to you), or the dumptrucks full of shit others are more than happy to send your way, particularly when you’re already down.
Yes, I am capable of such delightful and uplifting metaphors.
“A friend stands beside you when the stench of the shit around you is so strong, even they are puking.”
now THAT is a GEM. I’m keeping that one for posterity.
Amen sistah’!
I’m digging that first comment…
I’ve found in my life that I maybe have 4 real true honest-to-Gods friends, and I’m awestruck by that idea.
I’m crossing my fingers and toes that you never hear that phrase again.
(((((HUGS!)))))
-M
i haven’t had much luck with the whole “friend who won’t tell you you’re full of shit is no friend at all” notion; historically i’ve ended up with no friend at all. i still think it’s right on, but it doesn’t make the pain any easier to deal with.
although i am hoping if i tell sealkitty she’s full of shit enough times, she’ll go away, too.
i guess the commitment of friendship is pretty scary to some people… its hard to find real friends
anth0nyc – that’s a very astute observation.
I’m not sure I’m qualified to comment on this, really. I don’t know anything about relationships that the average pile of lint couldn’t tell you. so really, nothing. The best friends I’ve had in my life, it never seems to last for me. and that stupid rache, she won’t leave me alone, you’d think the punch to the throat would have solved that…
hey, I don’t know, punkin. I’m very often rejected, rarely do I do the rejecting. I’m happy I’m married to a decent dude, because I’m not sure if I could deal with the physical sexual rejection thing anymore. I’ve had it. It bites.
You are evolved enough to know yourself very well. Good friends are hard to come by and worth everything.
agreed. I think my daughter does, too. A kid from the neighborhood said about another kid “You’re friends with him, right?” Em thinks for about 20 seconds and says. “Well, he’s not really my friend, he’s my aqquaintance” What 8 year-old has aqquaintances?
Is that really how you spell aqquaintance?
yep, ack-qua-in-tance. I remember it phonetically.
Um. Let’s just be friends and not the pretend lesbian lovers everyone takes us for.
hehe
Hopefully, at some point, we’ll all be a bit more direct. And in doing so, be able to take that directness better. Of course it’s always tricky with two people. I’ve had relationships with people where it seems to end friendly and I’m all for being friendly–buddies and perhaps even FRIENDS–but they run away. Mistake my friendliness for something else. No matter what I say to them.
And in the end, i just feel like the most fun is being celibate and hating people. Good times.
Let’s have a retirement pirate ship when we get ancient. When anyone dies we can just dump them overboard. Actually, if anyone craps themselves or steals sweet n low they get dumped over the side too. the turnover will be high but that’ll just lend to the excitement of the atmousphere.