September 29, 2006
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vent.
I had a long week. my shoulder is starting to hurt again so I decided I needed to not work today to rest it, but I couldn’t say no. I have an appointment cos I really like the person but it turns out I still resent it. I need to learn to say no and not feel bad.
I’d been so looking forward to this morning to sleep in. what happens at six am? I go to wake up the kids and shake them down and they’re already up. “It’s picture day!” what. the. fuck?? I lost it. I was so g.d. mad. And the kindergartner didn’t happen to bring home a packet. And the older one had a teary meltdown because I don’t want her school pictures with her hair in a ponytail, bangs in her eyes. And they need a bath. And it cost $70. that was why I stayed late the last two days, to make enough money to pay the overdue phone and garbage bills so they don’t get cut off.
it’s been a really long time since I asked for or accepted any help from my mother and I’m skating the edge of not making it… but at least I could feel good about it. now I have to decide whether to deal with the embarrassment of asking the phone company not to cut off my phone for a few days or ask my mom for a loan. she would give me the money. she’s asked if I need any. it just comes with strings… she wants to see my finances… wants to comment about my “lifestyle.” independance has a cost. I realize I’m lucky that I have a backup if need be, but it actually makes it harder to decide to pull myself up by the bootstraps. it’s like you quit drinking and there’s someone following you around with a flask asking you if you want a drink.
september sucks. they nickel and dime you at school and I have THREE kids. ten bucks for this here, fifteen there… “I got into the special choir performing in (city 1.5 hours away– $30 in extra gas)!” and they fucking want me to participate in their fucking fundraiser? fuck you. I’m not hawking your wrapping paper and neither is my kid.
my kid who didn’t tell me about picture day. this morning she asks me, “Can I go home with Jessie on the bus after school?” I look at her through crazed incredulous eyes.
I’m so angry this morning. so overwhelmed and frustrated. I feel like I’m usually pretty happy but I live so close to the edge that it scares me.
so the upshot is that I’m up for good. not enough sleep in me. have to go to work. I’m pissed. and it’s not anyone’s fault unless it’s actually mine which makes me more pissed.
Comments (13)
when you’re really mad, and you want to focus your anger on someone else like a hot little laser, but you realize the only person you’re mad at is yourself? ding-dang, does that suck.
take it from your zen master of anger.
the whole school thing is a giant pit of money, and you’re exactly right – you want my kid to sell $10 rolls of wrapping paper from this crappy company that has an outlet where everyone in town knows you can buy the wrapping paper for $1 the day after xmas? that’s bonged, man.
the upshot is that it’s just a day. a bad day, but at the end of it you know you’ll be ok. hell, I don’t even know you and I know you’ll be ok.
sorry for the long comment – I’m full of coffee.
really, thank you for the comment- I think I need some coffee.
They’re starting that shit in preschool now…my coworker brought in a catalog of stuff her 4 year old grandson is supposed to sell
I’m sorry your day started out so shitty, up Up UP from here.
Ouch! Sorry you’re having such a rough day. Those schools are always having ridiculous fundraisers. Kids used to sell 50 cent candy bars and now they’re making them sell $50 Yankee Candles and Pampered Chef cooking utensils. Glad to see the schools are putting all our tax dollars to work!
Sleep deprivation is miserable and totally distorts one’s perception. I hope you get some rest in the very near future!
Ah, I hate those mornings.. as they are usually mornings for me when things seem to erupt. As soon as it all blows over I feel like an ass. Then i apologize and the kids make fun of me.
Oh fundraisers.. Unless its fun or the majority of the money goes to the school AND its something I am interested in, I dont buy it. I hate fundraisers for schools. Personally, if they allocated the money more efficiently they wouldnt need fundraisers. Get rid of dead beat teachers, the books are fine, and start making kids responsible. It seems so easy to me.
Some days, you eat the bear; some days, the bear eats you…
I heart you.
..what james said…
at our schools now the teachers dont want gifts.. only cash… riiite! they make average about 80K per year here, they should be giving me some “gifts”
With three kids to support it is very hard not to live on the edge financially…. unless of course you come already equipped with gobs of money. You shouldn’t feel bad like somehow you fell off the wagon. It istough out there. I hope you days get better.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Dear Gawd woman, we are so related.
According to your logic I’ve always been perverse. = / hehehe… Oh well!
As crazy as this is, I’d loan you the money, if I could, before having you ask your mom. Money that comes with strings (oh, how I know how it does!) is like a back-handed compliment… nice on the surface, totally demeaning underneath. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It just adds insult to injury.
Hope you had a restful weekend and things are off to a better start this week. Remember, single moms ARE the heroes of this world… even when they’re tired, pissed off, and broke. Especially then. (kisses and hugs)