April 24, 2013
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Daddy’s Little Girl
been feeling like shit. crying and junk. my eyes are too swollen to wear makeup. but no one says anything. I guess they’re either being polite or they don’t notice. overwhelming oversensitivity and self-doubt. didn’t really know why till today. there’s been enough other stuff and just ongoing stuff, that it could have just been a buildup. but I realized, I think the trigger was my biological dad’s birthday on sunday. sent a card. probably not early enough to get there on time, cos I’m self-defeating like that. so I sent an email sunday, saying the card would likely be late (there were small presents in the card and the girls signed it too).
I didn’t get a reply. and I relegated that to the back of my mind. I compartmentalized it. I do that when initially confronted with something I’m not sure how to react to. gives me time to kind of mull it over without activating my sensitivities. today I’ve realized, however, while I’ve been peripherally aware of the situation, I haven’t allowed myself to face it dead on: my dad and I are estranged. he won’t take or return my calls or mails. his wife has been signing his name on cards. I knew it, but I chose to ignore it. my sister is not aware of there being anything wrong, as far as I hear. my dad still talks to/sees her and her family.
I feel kind of wrecked, but on one side I kind of think I don’t care very much anymore. but what it does do? makes me aware of feeling very small and alone. unsupported. makes me very sensitive to perceived slights in other areas. most of the time I genuinely feel pretty zen about stuff. about everything. but occasionally I feel really bereft. and alone.
I guess it’s just another road to walk. one that will lead to something else eventually. just try to keep moving.
Comments (9)
For what it’s worth, I think it’s his loss
thanks, Morgane. <3
Being estranged from a parent will definitely make you feel bereft and alone. Even if the estrangement was your choice.
But you are not alone.
A person who cuts a person off for mostly a no good reason – a mistake or being disappointed is a no good reason – has some real control issues. I don’t say that in anger, I say that in pity. For the person refusing to let go. Harsh harsh stuff going on inside that person. Send love and all that and most of all, be gentle and kind to yourself. Much love to you. Cassi (and OH MY DOG, you are not alone – I be-reft right along side you
<3
I totally forgot how to make xanga hearts.
It’s the ultimate passive aggression. I’m sorry you’re a victim of his own problems. It must hurt like hell. All I can say is I’m with you sister-in-my-heart, but can offer no advice. If it helps though, talk about it and write about it as often as you need to, it doesn’t heal but it can be good to be affirmed. ♥
Late to the party here because i forget about Xanga from time to time; but having had dinner with you and your dad (this dad), this surprises me. Are you sure you’re estranged? Or is he just a typical male of his age bracket who’s not sensitive to these issues? Even if that’s teh case, it’s a shame he treats you as such, as you’d hope a parent would be more aware of the damage they’re doing. But you know, it’s hard. My dad is not a fan of me. Of course, now that his memory is shot, it’s kind of easier since he forgets he dislikes me! ha.h
this is my tall dad! although I haven’t heard from my short dad in two weeks, which is a long time for him and worries me a bit… the whole “dead in a ditch” worry. but he’s probably on a canoe trip I’ve forgotten about.