September 25, 2003
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here’s what I just sent to my sister…
honestly, I’m so overwhelmed (even though I know I’ve no right to be) that the best I can do is copy this email:
things have been going along pretty well until yesterday. I’ve been working at this pottery studio/shop for about two and a half weeks now…the training period (long, right?), which was supposed to be lots of hours so that I get trained right…lots of artists work to get to know, artists names to memorize. so she put up the new schedule yesterday, my stomach lurches as I write this, and I have 5 to 6 days a week most weeks. granted they’re mostly 4 hours shifts, but fuck me…I can’t do that. I didn’t WANT a fucking job in the first place. I had to, because we need the little bit extra not to be dipping into savings…i mean, really, I just need like $100 a month. david can watch jane two days a week. I’m having to hire someone, a neighbor, to watch her when he can’t. can I just say, the only day they DIDN”T schedule me for was the ONE day david can always watch her! fuck. and you KNOW how much I hate confrontation and sticking up for myself. for someone else, YEAH, for myself, not so much. so I’m just crying and crying…AGAIN…I was crying for WEEKS when I was having to look for a job, because I don’t WANT a job right now. I want to take care of jane until she goes to school. no fucking way do I want to pay someone more than half what I’m making to watch her. I get so upset that I can’t even cope with my day to day. last night I couldn’t remember what day it was…and trying to think about what I was going to say to them…well, I was so freaked out, I couldn’t even think of what I want them to do. at this point I just want to run away…but that isn’t realistic.
I mean, I only WANT to work two days, I would have gone 3 or 4 (and then I knew xmas was going to be MAD, but that’s retail), but now I just want to hide and never come out again.
on the days I work, I get up at 6:45, take a shower, get the kids ready, take dylan to school, come home, continue getting the girls ready, take emma to school, come home for a half hour, take jane to theresa’s and go to work… then at two (two ten, but I’m only getting paid till two, you know how that works…) I go pick up jane, pick up emma, pick up dylan, and get home around 3:25. then there’s all this stuff to do. then there’s dinner. then the kids have homework (emma needs help). then I have to vegetate. then I read myself to sleep. I absofuckinglutely hate it. and when I’m not working, I’m dreading working.
the job itself is fine…once I get turned loose on my own, it will be. I appear to work well with others, but I don’t actually.
it’s the whole thing, you know?
sigh.
I’m coach cline in the waterboy…you know, in a dress on a phone that’s pulled out of the wall…I hate him I hate him I hate him!
Comments (20)
you could do the e-bay thing. i bet…..
ah, yeah. hating/dreading going to work makes everythign else suck balls, doesn’t it? even the little things are too much to handle. ya gotta do it, though, you know you do: tell them your schedule is unworkable as is, and you can’t continue at these hours. maybe they’ll let you do two full-time days a week? i mean, the worst they can do is fire you, right, and you may have to start looking again, but it can’t be worse than where you are right now.
i assume it’s the same everywhere; we have this once-a-week local paper that advertises a few hundred bucks a month to deliver, maybe you could look for something like that?
take a deep breath and remember, it’s only a job. you can kick it before it kicks you.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way, big fat hugs!
I’ll bet there’s someone there who’s upset that they don’t have enough shifts…maybe you could check around and swap with someone? Otherwise, you should definently talk to your head honcho who writes up the schedule.
I think Anthony’s cute too-but perhaps when you marry him you could introduce him to tweezers for the unibrow.
I guess I’m lucky Elfs don’t have so much except on their heads-that whols androgenous thing ya know…
HUGS!!!!
-M
(((lara)))
i hear you, sister. damn the man and his stupid MONEY system, anyway. can’t we go back to bartering or something?
i have this new plan to sign myself up for tests that pay cash. next week i’m going to participate in a marriage study at carnegie mellon that is only two one/two hour sessions and pays $120. woo.
any friends with pets? i’m taking the girl downstairs’ dogs out two nights a week while she’s working. i’ll get $20 for that.
sorry you’re feeling down. if you want to talk or chat mail me up and we can commiserate of the state of the union or something.
love.
Awwww.. So sorry Satori. Damn. Is there something else you could do instead of working those stupid hours?
I know what you mean about the schedule though. GAH!! Its hard. Rush out the door, drop off kids, rush to work, work for 5 hours, rush to pick up kids, rush home make dinner, do homework, find time to clean up, clean house, pay attention to kids, argue with kids, get em ready for the next day and start all freaking over again! Whew. And that is a day that there is nothing else going on. No football, no dance, no singing, no friends, no meetings, just life.
I do hope things look up for you soon!
Big gorilla hugs to you!
oh and also? i awoke from my sicknap earlier in a small frenzy, fearing that my previous comment sounded too hard and was all, like, blaming and shit.
not so!
love and hugs and if i lived next door i’d fix you a tea. or a tequila. i just want you to feel better, yo. smooch.
Her routine sounds a lot like mine was over the summer. Even when I’m “not working,” I end up getting burnt out from running around.
Yeah, and your comment cracked me up today. There’s something about a woman who says suck my dick that just kills me.
I hear you. Scream loudly.
I feel for you, mama. I so understand, I don’t want to work either until P goes to school. We go back and forth about the work situation, it never ends. That’s why I’m still in shitty Tacoma house. Anywhere else and I’d be working. I need to win the lottery!
ugh!
HUGS
ooh lara, I really do love you. I think you’re amazing. I do not think you should be driving yourself crazy doing something you don’t want to do that you might not have to do… does that make sense? I don’t know, I haven’t eaten yet. I think the frizzle chicken had some good advice there… I really HATE working. That’s why I’m in school full time, so I don’t have to work. What about porn? I keep telling monkey he should do that because he hates his job so much. (he’s actively looking for a different one but he’s feeling pretty defeated. I told him porn’s ok as long as he’s only with guys. he’s not to enthusiastic but we’ll see how it turns out!)
You are brilliant and beautiful. we were both beaten and bloodied by our loving mamas so it’s hard to speak up. I used to think it was my job just to sit there and take it. Learning that isn’t the case… hard always though.
love and bunnies
sometimes I wish that I lived in Spain or Italy … that whole siesta thing really, really appeals, you know?
ok you already know what I think so I send you large and huge hugs and lots of love
Let me comment how much I can freakin’ relate to this right now, honey. Big big big big love.
I WANT PIE!!!!