November 1, 2003
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rated T for too much information…
this is a warning: you may not want to know this much about me.
I’m going to bury this behind the last entry, so if you DO read it, you can pretend you didn’t…and that’s okay with me.
why do I even need to put this out there? that’s a valid question.
I could make it private…but as a child, I felt unheard, invisible, and because of this, sometimes I felt like I didn’t exist, or I didn’t matter. it is for that reason that I like to make even the most painful parts of my life available at times.
sting wrote message in a bottle… a year has passed since I wrote my note. I should have known this right from the start. only hope can keep me together. love can mend your life or love can break your heart.
I have unrealistic expectations. I’m aware of it. I have a cyclic understanding of it. I want to be loved like I’m special, like I’m precious, like I matter. being loved like a brother really is good enough…just not in my marriage. I want more. well, actually, I expect more. my thought is, I don’t mind if I don’t have it RIGHT NOW… but I don’t know how to exist if that’s not the end goal. I understand that it’s enough for some people. it’s not enough for me. I can’t make it be enough. I’m wounded.
so I get therapy, and it helps, it really does…and maybe I’ll get to the point where it is good enough. alice walker wrote: throw your fond in a pond. I guess I’m kind of attached to my wounding. I don’t want to get better…I want to make my situation fit my hopes…the least I can accept is that my partner WANTs to try to love me “like that.” and that, I ain’t got.
here’s the tmi part…no sex. all work and no “play” make mama go crazy. and I don’t really want sex for sex’s sake either anymore. that was part of the slippery slope that landed me here. dang me, I’ve been getting by on a rich fantasy life, and a shower massager named Russell. here’s that part that’s starting to scare me: I’m getting to the point where I can’t even come up with a satisfying fantasy scenario. I’m becoming so jaded, that no one even loves me in my dreams.
why don’t I feel worthy of love? well, more wounding…some of the same I already mentioned, and a big helping of poor body image, a product of a mother with a poor body image (not her fault either, really). even when I looked good, I didn’t know I did. I look now, how I thought I looked then.
bringing down the house, wasn’t exactly a stellar movie, but I liked it, and it illustrates my central dilemma… steve martin opens the door, expecting to find an attractive woman, and finds queen latifah…a GORGEOUS woman, but not the type he expected. what she’s got to offer is WASTED on him. martin’s best friend sees her for all her glory, so of course, he’s portrayed as kind of a doofus. martin winds up with the svelte woman.
that SO looks like me. it does.
so, you know, I’m a beautiful woman…and I could lose the weight. I could BE the svelte woman who gets the man. here’s the problem: I don’t WANT a man who doesn’t want me as pictured above. I can’t get beyond it.
I think that may be the fracture in my marriage…I can’t control how he feels…and I can’t change the fact that I don’t even WANT someone who doesn’t want me for ALL that I am. I am an oversensitive, curvy, bitchy cunt. and I’m a lot of good things too. I want to be loved as a whole package…not in SPITE of a whole chunk of who I am.
I don’t think my marriage will ever work, and under the circumstances, or what I believe to be the circumstances, I don’t see why it should.
I’ve got A LOT. I know it… I don’t have much right to bitch. I’ve nearly got it all…
but as sheila e. said, without love, it ain’t much.
Comments (22)
you know I can’t just not comment right? I think you are an amazingly beautiful woman who does deserve everything. My thoughts are if he can’t see that then that is his fault. You are rockin and way to Latifa to deal with that.
russell and i love you
i never really thought i’d say this, but sheila e. was a smart cookie.
i wish like hell i had something better to say, but all i’ve really got is, you’re right. what you want? is exactly what you should have. it should be the minimum for a marriage, not the unreachable goal.
it don’t matter, but i love you for every coolass thing you are. smooch.
As one who expects too much also.. well, I dont feel it is too much to ask. I feel I deserve the type of love I dream of. Damn straight. We all do. I dont think its a pipe dream either. It just may not come in the form we expect.
Damnit, you deserve to feel completely loved too.
Mwah
yes. what they said. completely and totally for who you are. and that’s not an unrealistic expectation. (and furthermore, it’s not you. it’s him. i’ve said that before, though, haven’t i?)
You know, this talk of love and lovin’ got me thinking about my cat. Don’t be perverted. I don’t love my cat “that way.” In fact, she’s a supreme pain in the ass. I just threw her away from me about twelve times, each one increasing in its level of violence. The lesson in this? Good question. Something about not commenting drunk (damn, I did it again!), and also about sometimes not wanting the ones you love right next to you right now.
I’ve been married nearly 13 years. Think I don’t know something about abstinence? Of a kind?
Of a kind.
Yeah, well anyway, it’s hard to get the sparks going again when it’s been long-term.
The most difficult things for us to give up is our suffering. I love you still.
that movie was pretty funny.
I have a love I don’t have to think about. It’s not what most people look for, but then i’m kinda weird like that. We blend into each other, sometimes I don’t notice he’s here, but I ache when he’s gone for any length of time. We take turns irritating each other for fun, and then playing buffer against the rest of the world for each other. I rarely find myself needing or wanting any other company other than his and the kids, and If I do, I chat on the internet. I could happily never have to see another person in real life. It isn’t all fireworks and fire but it’s not cold and burdensome either, just somewhere in that middle land, where we know we won’t grow bored of either extreme. I dunno, it makes me happy, I feel safe and secure, regardless of what’s going on in our chaotic life. Typically we are the only calm little bubble in the entire hurricane.
I wish you happiness, Satori, the kind you are still looking for.
This post was very slyly hidden, but I found it anyway. Everyone said everything there is to be said, but just for an emphasis, I believe what you’re asking is exactly what you should have. However, I wonder if it’s really your husband who doesn’t love you for what you are. It sounds as if it’s you who won’t accept yourself, first and foremost and you know, the key is communication. I find that often I’ve been inventing his side of the story for him and when we finally talk, he’s got a different story all together going on in his mind.
Wanting to be loved for who we are is a basic instinct for people, I think. Yes, lots of people never find the one who will feel like that about them. Yes, lots of people settle for something else. But I would defend to the death the notion that pretty much all of us want what you are describing. I have it. I wish you had it too. There is nothing helpful or constructive I can say. All I can do is tell you how vehemently I believe that you are right to want what you want. And, unfortunately, that and a buck fifty will get you a cuppa joe.
thanks all…I should elaborate…I didn’t really mean fireworks slash sex was the problem. I understand cyclical celibacy, I embrace it.
specifically, I can’t live without being touched. AT ALL. no kisses, no hand holding. I asked him if he would put an elbow to my back spasm and he said no. he asked me if I was making the cd’s for my boyfriend. I said, no, I was thinking of making one for hdl, though, boyfriend, I don’t have a boyfriend? he said, maybe you should get one.
otherwise, you know…this is all just fine…we were plugging along just fine, until this developed. I mean, yeah we had problems, but who doesn’t?
anyway, maybe I am just a whinger, but well, that’s what I am.
I take back everything I wrote in that previous comment because obviously, that’s not the issue here. It sounds bad and damnit, you should not settle for anything but the real thing.
How difficult these things are. Relationships. Decisions. I’m here if you need an ear, a shoulder a heart and a back rub. [If that's the medical term for it.;]
I understand. completely.
Mucho luvs to you. If you lived close enough, I’d make a few gallons of margaritas. When those ran out, we could move on to shots.
we had a talk…and I finally got my perceptions validated. he said (not a direct quote) that it was difficult to love me romantically (ooooo, shades of it’s not that I’m not attracted to you…), you know, and that he didn’t. and while that hurt, I thought, and said, wow, as much as that hurts, I’d rather be the one who loves someone that doesn’t love them back (which I am)…sucks to be you. and I really meant it in a nice way. I mean, really, I’d hate to be the one who “lost that lovin’ feelin’”
it always helps to have your perceptions validated…it doesn’t happen that often, and I appreciate it.
I can’t say much that everyone else hasn’t said. If that’s what you look like, you’re beautiful. I’m beautiful, come to that, since I always see myself in her body too. Plus, you’re the coolest. I adore you endlessly.
Once I asked my first ex h if he preferred me fat or slim and he said, when you are fat my love is all spread out and when you are slim, its concentrated. Diplomatic man.
I think all of us search for total acceptance of who we are. I saw this disgusting site on ppl who think poo is sexy (normally I wouldn’t check something like that out, I have my own perversions, thank you), but I did wonder if it wasn’t something like, if you really really really loved me, then you’d love every stinking thing about me, even my poo.
You are who you are. A high self esteem is no measure of self-worth. The man who loves you, loves you. Perhaps you don’t lose the weight that would get you the romantic interest you so desire to punish him for not loving everything about you?
If I’ve gone too far, please don’t consider it a flame just delete it and take me to task in an email.
Your fellow slut in zen
Petra
um, come marry me, you make me hot & i love you SO.FUCKING.MUCH. i wish i could say something smart or right, but all i’ve got is my love & adoration. you rock, chickydoodle.
To quote and parapharse a great woman(you)Well, hell Satori, it’s his world, and you’re living in it.
I’m not suggesting you walk away, ’cause that’s not what you want…but something obviously has to change. He’s being an ass, plain and simple. Come to Idaho, I’ll love on you!
speaking as a queen latifa type girl myself (everything but the enormous rack, fate is a bitch, no?) I did find a man who loved me for all that I am. once I found it and figured out what it is, I’d never settle for less. I would hate to be with a guy who just wanted me because I was thin or beautiful. I’d like to think he thinks I’m beautiful and he says he thinks I am but he loves what’s inside no matter what and that’s where the beauty starts for him… soo. I don’t know what the point is other than yeah, its SO SO worth it finding the guy who loves you for everything that you are.
shallow people have no room in my universe. Period.
you are amazing. and therapy helped me SO SO much. I’ve over the hill of blame and responsiblity. It’s all up to me now, it’s so powerful not giving people power over me. You can do it, too. I would rub your back for you. and hold your hand. and I know I’m not the only one sweetness.
Hm. Brings a couple things to mind. First, you KNOW I’d do you in a heartbeat cause I think you’re F.I.N.E. But that’s not really the point, is it?
Second, my stbdx, when confronted about our lack of conjugal ANYTHING said the following: “Well, I figured that when I got centered and you got centered, the passion would just kinda flow from there.” Yeah, I married an alien. But my point is that his response is NOT substantively different than your man’s. Basically he was saying he wouldn’t feel it until I was someone other than who I am. FUCK. THAT. NOISE.
Third, in my Saturday night goings-out, I have been getting hit on left and right and to a guy they say they like zaftig, curvy, meaty, baby-got-back, “real” women. And these aren’t all a bunch of icky guys either. Try cut 22 year olds…
Last, I, too, have a guy who loves and honors and celebrates the whole package. They ARE out there.
I made the decision that I wasn’t going to stay where I wasn’t happy. It was the right decision for me, but it was a MOTHERFUCKER of a decision to make. It’s still hard sometimes. But I saw clearly and could not live happily with what I saw. And I wasn’t willing to live unhappily. I believe we only go around once and so we have to make the most of THIS life.
Second-best shouldn’t be good enough. Call me if you need. XOXOXOXOX
I love you and i’ll put out.
come on over mama. kettle’s on.