November 18, 2003
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I’ve been consciously ignoring the fact that my mother sometimes reads this. she is shocked and disgusted. so do I stop writing? no, I pretend she doesn’t read it. and frankly, she shouldn’t be, and I told her so. sure, it’s public, so’s a lot of free porn, and she doesn’t look at that.
the man said he wasn’t reading it…and he was…and copying it down. and my emails.
so how does that make me feel? unsafe. it also makes me subconsciously look over my shoulder everytime I write anything. you know what that does? blocks my writing. why when he does it, and not my mother? because I could lose my kids.
it feels like an assault. and I’m angry. but I want to stop being angry, because it’s not helping in any way.
I’m releasing the control, and accepting what’s to come. that helps, but I really hate the unknown, and I wonder when I’ll get my feeling of security back.
I don’t want to be a poor single mother again. instead of having anger bursts, now I’m having fear bursts. this morning while I was folding laundry I was thinking, “when I’m poor, how will I afford new undies??” …mine already have holes now, and I’m not destitute. yesterday it was, “will I ever have another pair of pajamas?” this spring I bought the first set of pj’s I have had since I was in college. I mean, pj’s are a luxury. otherwise, you sleep in old tee shirts. will I get to go out for italian food?
emma just brought me a slip saying we owe 12 dollars to the school lunch account. emma gave the lunch money check to her teacher, instead of taking it to the lunch lady and the teacher thought it was money for the pta drive. fuck. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to scream at david.
but I must stop caring. like I don’t care that my mother reads this. like I don’t care if jackie reads this. like I don’t care that she calls every tuesday night at 2am, just to get her jollies waking me up. like the jedi wave. okay.
now on to “marriage counseling” in a half hour…if it can really be called that. it’s actually divorce counseling so we can speak to each other without the kids around. a referee with a masters degree. jedi wave.
I know my problems are not that big a deal in the scheme of things. could be worse. I just have to figure it out. but it does hurt really bad, just the same.
Comments (35)
Hugs to you Lara. I wish I could really help
xoxoxo to you
gimme your number, cornmuffin, and i’ll start calling you on tuesdays at 1:55am, just so your line will be busy when she calls you. and, obviously, so i can talk really filthy to you. and i’ll send you some of my underpants, too. not to wear, necessarily.
love and smooches.
well poopy
the kid started reading my xanga site just to make fun of me. that put a big dent in my writing for awhile, starting to get back into the swing of things. it was difficult. I really hate human beings sometimes.
I think you, rache and a few other people should decide to be ocelots or marmots or something totally not human. then we don’t have to be grouped in with all those assholes.
It’s such a tough call to make. You want to cast your net wide enough to be honest with people you care about, and those who care about you, and yet you remain vulnerable to exploitation of that honesty. My brother recently posted an Onion title that went something like Mom Found My Weblog. I thought he was serious, and I nearly shit my pants as I scrolled through my SIR digest. I hardly ever mention my mother on here, but I sure as hell don’t want her reading it.
I’m really sorry that you’re having this hard time. You know I can identify with the chilling effect of knowing who’s looking, even though the silliness of today’s blog. I know that some of the stuff I’ve said could threaten my good standing at work, if not the job itself, depending on how reactionary people are. (We don’t quite have a precedent for someone doing what I do here, in this district). In any case, yeah, what can I do out here 3000 miles away except offer my solidarity, and, along with rache, my panties. Hell, I’ll even send you some fresh ones if you’re nice.
rache is already a gazelle
You have a community now. If you need Italian Food, we’ll figure out a way to make it happen. If you need PJs we’ll figure out a way to make it happen. Undies? Well, let’s just say that there were a LOT of things I put off buying in the interest of the “family” finances, that I have decided to say “Fuck it” about (see BED entry). And hey, there’s always “going commando,” LOL.
Know what I’m saying, though? You’ll prioritize. You’ll end up NOT spending for things that are D’s priorities and find that you can use that money occasionally for YOUR priorities. You’ll rob Peter to pay Paul when necessary. You’ll juggle. You’ll hate it and get tired of, but IT WILL BE FINE because you know it won’t be forever and because there won’t be anyone treating you like crap anymore. And you’ll come down and I’ll cook you a great Italian meal.
And let me just say one thing to you, missy: FUCK the relativism, OK? I know where that springs from. I’m prone myself. But FUCK it. Just because there are starving people in India, doesn’t mean that your problems are somehow less important.
I love you sweets.
God. Yes, what everyone said and L, RuthlessLogic is right. You are not alone. There is this insane group of Quirks and other freaks that will help you through, not just in words because damnit, you’re one of us and you should wear clean underwear if you want to.
Heh, you have a fabuous support group right here! How lovely!!
eegaaddss.. moms.
I am sorry you are hurting.
If you want someone to call and breathe heavy in the phone.. Ill volunteer.
All I can say is…use the Force behind that jedi wave, cos I know you have it in you.
what a putz on the phone calls. Egads.
On the questions you’ve been asking, perhaps a different frame. “Would I rather be happy with holes in my underwear, or miserable with pristine drawers?
Get the man who like you in holey underwear. That’s what I say!
On your effort – A+ Every effort you make will pay you eventually. You’re creating karma, right?
Much love.
a referee with a what?
Well, I originally stopped by to say I was browsing the net and i found a picture titled Satori and thought of you! Zen Illumination = satori.
a state of sudden spiritual enlightenment
You are doing an awesome job in getting through this. I agree w/ VM.
Fuck those who read! Now you can make it protected so that saves you something, right??
I’d send you undies!! I mean if I send them they’d get there in a couple days!! Seattle to Bellingham! No prob!!
I could even deliver them to your door! Bellingham’s not too far!
i can collage you some underwear. yeah. i’ll just fly out with my glue stick and we can apply it right to your skin so then you’ll only need one pair! woohoo!
seriously. i’m sorry for your pain. know we love you. and if you take rachel up on her nighttime love calls let me know, ’cause we’ll make it a threeway.
I guess we should feel as though these spaces are in fact ” OUR OWN SPACE ” and that anyone who decides to read it is doing so at their own risk !
big red puffy heart, and i’ll send you a target card for new unders, ok?
write to me anytime
hurt is awful, you are already so so strong I can’t imagine how much stronger you will be after this storm is gone.
Sail on.
I worked for a family law attorney out here, and I don’t know about where you live, but unless you’re planning to injure or kill someone, journal entries are I believe inadmissable, and that’s what Xanga is. Emails should be the same way with the same exceptions.
What size PJs? This is one more step in life, and it IS important, because it’s happening to you. You I feel like I know, faceless masses, I don’t. They have charities, you have friends, seen and unseen.
((((((((((((((((HUGS!!!!!!!!))))))))))))))))))
-M
oh wait – you wont be a poor single mom when theres alihmoneh
Big teenage swirly hearts of love to you from me. I wish you didn’t have to hurt.
I thought panties with holes were supposed to be sexy.
OK, just saying stupid stuff to help make the pain go away. Why don’t you pull a VM and put some power into it? Look what she’s doing – taking control, using the energy to create a new space… You’re strong, Lar – been around the rim and back, and you’re still here.
Why is Queen Bitch still calling you? Is there still some communication between her and Pod?
Shit. This only just showed up on my subscription list thingie. My subscription list thingie likes to jerk me around.
In any event, problems are problems. Mine are real and painful to me, yours are real and painful to you. I subscribe heartily to that “fuck relativism” notion Ruthless described. And I am immensely sorry that things are so tough for you right now.
If only I could send you some underpants made of pie.
Or some pies made of underpants.
I’ll take the former… and serve the latter to the p.o.d. (prince of darkness), I stopped calling him that because it turns out it hurt his feeling. I guess all deals are off now, huh? plus he shouldn’t be able to read it anyway.
I don’t understand enough of your relationship to understand the POD and therefore could care less about him. But I do understand holey underpants…I’m on my second successful marriage and still wear underwear I owned in high school, but I won’t do you the disservice of sending them to you. I assume everybody I ever met reads my blog, even though in reality even my own mother doesn’t. But then, all my blog is ever about these days is flatline happy-hunkydory kidshit…but hey, man that’s me talking! But it helps me to not care when I complain about my husband’s bad bathroom habits or whether I should put my mother out of her misery for Christmas.
<LABEL id=HbSession SessionId=”1305735195″>hell woman, i’ll buy you new drawers. it’s our big discount weekend coming up. mm hmm. it sucks right now, but eventually things’ll get better, just picture our honeymoon, dahling.
I adore you, my dear. It’s all going to be ok, I promise. We’ll all take care of each other and get you through this.
love love love love you. You know I wanna say something outstandingly supportive but I will just say you have anything I have. Cause hey when you are family that is what is all about….
mmmmmmmmmmmmwah! thanks for watching the beebee today! that was the best thing ever!
*sigh* I don’t want you to hurt. I want you to be at peace, serene and secure in the sure knowledge all things work together for good. Alas, I can’t take away from you the thing that could bring you to all I do want for you.
Perhaps another blog for your more private posting, protected too. Or am I too paranoid? Could be after some of the stuff on here… ignore me, just thoughts.
How come Elsa get’s to leave props, and I can’t? HUH?
–sigh–
I wish I had something profound and wonderful to say because when you’re poor, you can’t buy underwear for yourself, you have to buy them for the kids, and suddenly you have to find reasons why you aren’t wearing any (underwear, not kids) and you say, “Wow, how sexy is this? I’m wearing my levi’s without underwear!”
It’s a head game hon’ … and we play them all the time.
I hate that people are censoring people. If only we could say what we really wanted to say … all the f-ing time.
I like the protected posting… all except two things: 1) that second tab my readers will forget to click on to read anyone’s protected posts (I forget all the time!) and 2) if I blog ALL in protected posts, how would anyone ever find my interesting enough to subscribe - which means I’ll meet less interesting people… not people who are less interesting… I mean the count of intesting people I’ll meet through xanga will drop off (of course). Hmmm… I can see xanga fixing #1, but #2 I’m not sure they can fix that easily.
((hugs to you)) divorce sucks – big time.
I have nothing fabulous to add to what all these ma-a-a-avelous Xanga folks have written. I just wanted to send you cyberhugs and support. I’m so glad I finally clicked on the protected posts tab. :kisses: