December 8, 2003
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at least once a day, my craptop freaks out, locking up the cursor, logging me onto msn, and sending my scanner into weird spasms. I find it exceedingly frustrating. what scares me more, though, is lately the cursor just locks up…forever. I have to (yes, I know it’s a really bad thing) shut the power off to stop it. no, control alt delete doesn’t work. what scares me is that this is what the old desktop did for about a month before it went tits up.
so that should be just about the time I’m moving my things, and the things of the children, out of the family manor and into my grandmother’s two bedroom condo. I guess I could view it as a warning, as opposed to it just taking a dump out of the blue…but that would just be more magnanimous than I’m feeling today.
I’ll still have expenses, I’ll have to pay the condo fees and the bills. I won’t be able to get a phone until we sell the house. we’ll be eating a lot of top ramen. until the house sells, I’ll have to try to live off of what we normally use as a food budget.
I think I’ve gotten over the intense grief of having to sell this beautiful house, with all the trees and wildlife. I’m even getting over the straight on, “he doesn’t love” blues, because really, I guess I already knew that for a long time. what I’m really finding it hard to get over is the IDEA of having a whole family.
I came from a family of multiple divorces and so when People say, “oh your family is still whole,” I just see that as pollyanna semantics. our family will never be whole again. I can learn to live with it. it just takes time.
the pangs come from out of the blue…we were watching disney’s The Proud Family, and I’m thinking, you know, Oscar Proud may be a complete jackass, but at least he takes care of his family. he doesn’t just up and decide that his wife is dead weight and dump her. I have sunk to the level of feeling wistfull about a cartoon family.
or Homer….
Oh Margie, well you came and you brought me a turkey
on my vacation away from workie…
and the pangs about growing old as a family…in this house…they ache. I know it will get better, but I still have to grieve. that’s the only way out the other side, is through. through grief.
I’ll be without internet…I don’t know for how long, but I’ll have it until I move in a few weeks. you can contact me here, or at satoristar@hotmail.com
Comments (28)
Oh, my dear, my dear. How I wish I could do something for you. Can I do something for you? If so, please let me know. Please.
just being around, being you, that really helps
Your family is so whole. It’s just going to live in two houses and be happy for a switch.
Same goes here, Lara.
Unfortunately, in my experience, I could never revisit the old images without feeling pain again. I had to learn not to look back. Whatever your process, I hope it’s quick and effective, to use terms that sound like a commercial for headache pills. I know there’s no pill to swallow, though, so take care through this. *hugs*
That is, re: Primeva’s comment. VM snuck in on me there.
Dude, I don’t have any words of wisdom, other than the obvious. There’s a new life waiting for you around the corner.
Love to you, Lara. I know time helps the healing. I wish I could speed that up for you.
You won’t be grieving alone.
you’ll be stronger than you expect, and if you need extra, we’ll be here.
I know it sounds trite.. and I know the last thing anyone wants to hear at times like this is a cliche.. but it’ll get better. I honestly believe that. And y’know .. it’s astonishing what the human spirit can cope with and rise above. And in the meantime.. should you need us..
ow.
that really sucks. BUT!! isn’t there always a butt? personally, I have a big ole butt, hahaha.
but, this is a chance for you to do more, to feel more and to be happy, so it can’t be all that bad, right?
one of the worst things that happened to me (not counting deaths and things like that) it turned out to be the best thing! EVER! ha. weird, life ya know?
I think you can get through all this and just trust life, trust your heart, and lean on us freaks when you need it.
I found that I grieved more for the idea than for the reality. It’s so hard to let go of the expectations and hopes and beliefs. But it’s very freeing in some ways, too. I wish I could give you a big huge hug.
I’m done with exams on the 17th. Let’s talk and figger SOMETHING out, K???
Ramen is good. You don’t even have to cook it, just eat it like a candy bar. It helps when water and gas are a bit steep……God I’m poor.
See what happens when I don’t spend all afternoon online at work? Everybody sneaks in here and say all the things I want to say.
Grieve is exactly what you need to do, stage by stage. The loss will always be there, but each day, a little farther away.
Btw, you made me snort-laugh with “shiny like bacon.” Silly goof.
{{{{{Lara}}}}} I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away, or evaporate or something. Much love.
No silly there is no such thing as a whole family. Not as per se – my parents are married and ARE together but honestly speaking they just hate each other and took 25 years to finally accept each other. By the time they did – just about everyone had gotten married and moved (ran away) out. The way we’re whole is the fact that in times of need we’re there for each other. That’s family. Dave may not be your family anymore but with him gone you have a real family – as in you know what your family is now. And that’s what counts. Family is a dynamic concept – its always growing.
hugs honey
Big love, sweetie.
Your whole family will include a whole you once you’re out of a loveless marriage, and despite your anxieties about “growing old together,” imagine that now you have the opportunity to make your family healthier *before* you grow old! Sounds like you’re already getting there from here, but I wanted to be your cheerleader for a minute.
men suck…and I hope you get a shit load of a settlement and make him pay child support
love. and more love.
OH MAN! ! I Have missed alot since I have moved!! YOu dont have me on my other name to take a peek at this stuff!!
WHAT THE HELL!! Hon, if you need ANYTHING, let me know. OK? I mean it.
I still struggle with the idea of a “whole” family. It’s hard. Four years later and I still have to remind myself that we are “whole” even with one parent.
On the other hand, one of the best things about being a single parent? My choices are put into effect immediately… no spouse to wreck my efforts.
I know, of little help at the moment. so anyway… (((hugs))) to you as well
{{hugs}} As a child from a family of multiple divorces, I can relate. Since you will eventually be happier, your family will be happier.
And I think the most important thing is that your kids know that you love them. I think that’s what made me turn out not so screwed up.
I’d miss the outdoorsy-ness of the house. It sounds wonderful.
Speaking of B-ham, my dad used to drive us up there and we’d hang out, drive down Chuckanut Drive. ::sighs::
It isn’t easy. Its been six years for me. Four for my lover Sean. Both of us still have problems, but you work through them. Really, you will be a better person, because all the experiences you have go to make who you are, and you are a good person, someone who strives for better. I didn’t say this well. Sorry.
Yeah … what Elsa said.