March 10, 2004
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the last two days have been a big pit. I’m hoping by talking I’ll be able to throw a leg over the edge. the final straw seems to be a nightmare I just had… feel free to skip it.
so after taking two olders to school and providing nick jr and snack to the younger, I went and crawled back in bed. I had been dressed in my excercize clothes because I really am trying to force myself to walk the treadmill every day. I’m sick as fuck of being fat. I couldn’t face the idea of putting my shoes back on afterward, so I just got in bed with them on. screw it.
then I had this nightmare… it started out pretty good, I was living in this cool big house and a friend was over. we were drinking and having fun. babyjane was playing with her daughter. (I wouldn’t drink in the middle of the day, it was a DREAM) then I realized I had to go get dylan… and he walked in the door. someone had given him a ride.
then I realized my friend and her daughter were gone and a bunch of old ladies were there for a party. it turned out to be for me. my mom was there and she said TA DA and all of a sudden there were all these appliances with bows around them… black and white ones, and a pair of snowmobiles. so quick in my head I think, wow, that’s amazing… and yet, I would have picked all white (yes, I’m rolling my eyes at myself) but I thought, no, this is great. I will love all these things.
then everyone was gone and mom, the girls and I were in the house… and it started to fall down and over (as buildings sometimes do in my nightmares… but usually we all die when that happens). so I make sure my mom’s in a safe place, away from things falling on her head, and I run off screaming for the girls. I found them and they were all right! I took them and mom outside. she wanted to go back in but I told her she couldn’t, it could come down and we would all die.
that’s when wreckage started falling from the sky. half a plane nearly squashed the girls. I gathered them back to me and looked up to see that huge concrete columns were falling in groups, you know, like those basalt pillars. I didn’t even bother to look up and just cowered there waiting to die. just too much. but we didnt’ die. they missed us… then I look around. mom is fine, but babyjane and emma have turned into clear sacks of liquid with a purple (jane) and a pink (emma) squishy brain inside. and I’m screaming, “my babies, my babies, what happened to my babies??”
then I woke in a panic… but at least I had enough energy to deal. babyjane had cut up emma’s care bear with a pair of contraband scissors. sigh. but all I did was tell her that was a bad thing to do, that she wasn’t supposed to use scissors and her sister would be upset…then held her. I made lunch. I’m here…
Comments (28)
((((Lara)))) I wish I knew something swift to say. I’m so sorry.
nightmares suck.
What alienista said. Nothing like having your anxieties made into a disaster movie by salvador dali. a lot of tornadoes in mine, but I have had a plane or two come down near me. I grew up near Midway Airport is all I can figure.
i also have planes crash in my dreams. huge, hulking things and it doesn’t seem to matter how far away they look, i still know they’re going to fall on us. nowehre to run to, baby. nowhere to hide.
but you do have a little energy, adn you do have your kids, and when the dust settles, you’re going to be better than new. smoooooches.
Crap, sorry lara. Nightmares are horrible. Take care and sleep nightmareless tonight.
Poor sweetie. Hugs Sweet, peaceful dreams tonight.
how utterly exhausting for you. How frightening! I wish i could make it better,
Hug to you,
M.
I rarely remember my dreams, if I dreamed that I’d be happy to forget it. Take care
ugh plane crashes and falling wreckage, it’s been a few years since I’ve had one of those dreams, I hate it. I can shake it off all that soon, either. and I seem to have my worst dreams while napping.
much love you, darling. you stepped off the plane right before he hit the ground. you’re going to be okay.
Love.
people love you dear…never forget that!!
that sounds like an crazy dream
Hugs to you, sweetie.
that reminded me, although with all the comments, about my own “chased by a plane crash” dream…it was so vivid, even after these past few years, i can still recall the images…
man, nightmares do suck…maybe some creme brulee would help…
ive been travelling around in other peoples dreams as of late.
its no fun dreaming for yourself anymore.
although – i miss my own dreams but most of the time i get attacked in my sleep.
For me, nightmares are only horrible while I’m having them. I guess that should be obvious. But I mean, I have ‘em sometimes where I’m so convinced that they’re real, that waking up is such a relief, that I’m actually almost grateful for the nightmare, just for showing me that it’s not really that bad. Hope you feel better soon.
Love love love you.
Oh, man. ::hugs:: Hopefully some good thoughts your way will help, even a tiny bit.
First of all Lara girl…I loves ya! Don’t you forget about that fact, m’kay? Now…second of all, Oh. My. God. Your dreamworks sound like a cross between Disney’s Fantasia and one of Ken Kesey’s acid trips gone terribly awry. But for the silver lining in this mid-day nap o’ cloud girlie…at every turn where disaster seemed imminent (even for the norm of your nightmares I see) you and yours seem to avoid it.
- You didn’t get to finish the afternoon with your friend…yet you get a party thrown in your honor.
- You didn’t get what you wanted (Jet Skis)…yet you were determined to like what it was that you did get.
- Your grand house appeared to be falling down about your head…yet you and yours were miraculously unharmed (bucking the odds of your standard routine in said situations, per your own admission)
- You get everyone out safel, .only to have miscellaneous crap fall down from the sky, sure to doom you all…yet not a damn bit of it lands on you.
- Your little ones turn into clear sacks of liquid with a purple (jane) and a pink (emma) squishy brain inside…yet they’re still alive & well.
So…no more weird foods at odd hours (I’m assuming here hon) and please try to allow for time to work through the impossible, ’cause that’s what life is throwing your way just now girl. You are doing wonderfully Lara…don’t forget that. Also don’t forget that you’re every bit deserving and worthy of all the love we here lavish on you. So too are you deserving of jet skis…but let’s face it, you’re the kind of girl who’s great enough to make do with snowmobiles (red of neck or no).
As for being sick as fuck of being fat…lemme just say that you can wear your shoes to my bed any ol’ time ya wanna. And yeah, you can take that any way you’d like. *mmmwwwaahhh!!!*
That’s all I’ve got to say ’bout your daytime nightmare…so, I love ya Lara girl.
Timothy
PS – please don’t allow the kids to read any of Ken Kesey’s children’s books lest they do turn into clear sacks of liquid…um, they can watch One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (once w/ supervision) but that’s all.
hey now timmy. i happen to like ken kensey, and i turned out to be…wait…
* look at limbs, and gropes body madly *
I’M FINE THANK YOU!
i personally robert munsch more disturbing.
err kesey.
((((hug))))
Damn. I hate those dreams that rip your soul out.
ack
i meant to say
I find robert munsch more disturbing!
If you’ll bear with me, your dream seems to be right along with what’s going on in your life, except the girls being clear sacks…unless you could use that as symbolism of their innocence in it all…
But remember that no matter what’s been going on, you’ve stayed a mother and the well being of your children has come first. Bravo girlfriend!
-M
I wonder what Doctor Freud would say about Doctor Evil???
whoa. i see a lot of myself in this.
so what’s the lesson here? jump on the nazi treadmill and avoid scary daytime nightmares. woo.
i dreamed my son was an owl last week. he plunged into the deep end of a pool and sunk like a stone. i held myself back from following in, telling myself he’d float back up fast and my displacing the water would complicate matters. when he surfaced i gave him mouth-to-beak resuscitation.
good for you not drinking midday. it was my own depressive downfall not so long ago.
hang in there. i’ve been kicking my own ass to the gym. my motto — “will i regret going? NO will i regret not going? YES live without regrets.” it’s worked pretty good.
and as a Canadian — snowmobiles are not for rednecks. LOL
I can’t ever remember having dreams like that, ever. But I can assure you it’s better to dream it than live it. But I think you’ve kind of been living it recently. Besitos.