September 19, 2004
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I was born one mornin’ when the sun didn’t shine
Picked up a shovel and I walked to the mine
I hauled Sixteen Tons of number 9 coal
And the straw-boss said, “Well, bless my soul”
You haul Sixteen Tons, whadaya get?
Another day older and deeper in debt
Saint Peter don’t you call me cause I can’t go
I owe my soul to the company store
See me comin’ better step aside
A lot of men didn’t and a lot of men died
I got one fist of iron and the other of steel
And if the right one don’t get ya, the left one will
~tennessee ernie ford
I’m not having suicidal ideation (where you actually think about how you would do it) so nobody blow a gasket. I’ll get help. I just gotta put this out in the universe… do you ever wish you weren’t here? I start to wish I was dead, but then I can’t because of my kids, my mom, my sister, et. al. too fucking responsible to kill myself. I remember being really suicidal, ideation, plan and all, and it was the thought of my mom and sister that kept me from plunging right in.
then paula called me and invited me to come party in oly for a week. and I went. I just recently told her that. I hope she’s not sorry.
yeah, yeah, boohoohoo, poor fucking me. I have it good. waah wahh, bad fucking pisces.
Comments (13)
I have to go to the store now and buy stuff for the kids.
I am glad you arent suicidal, I didnt think you were. Just frustrated.
poor pisces. one day I’ll be one, for now living with one is enough.
hey…thought of this while reading your blog, and while waiting for my results…
“A week ago I bought a rifle, I went to the store – I bought a rifle! I was gonna, you know, if they told me I had a tumor, I was gonna kill myself. The only thing that might-ve stopped me – MIGHT’VE – is that my parents would be devastated. I would have to shoot them also, first. And then I have an aunt and uncle – you know – it would’ve been a blood bath.”
Woody Allen in Hannah and Her Sisters
So I bought this book, “What Would Buddha Do?”
Seems like everyone’s spinning lately, and my best ideas are shit, so I figured Buddha might be able to help me…seems to a little.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad, ((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))…Tennesee Ernie Ford kicks ass, I used to think he was Mr. Disney.
Call if you need anything okay?
-M
I feel like I don’t want to be, all. the. fucking. time. I’ve not only thought of, planned but have over the years attempted many times. So many (and not half-assed as one might expect but they really should have worked) in fact that I’ve gotten the impression that I’m either immortal or its simply not yet my time. I’m really hoping for the not my time yet dealie ’cause immortality scares the fuck out’a me.
To be clear though, I don’t want you to go, simply because I’m a selfish prick bastard like that… not because of your mom, sister or kids… I’d miss you too much and the world would lose out bigtime. So, screw the ‘tie a knot at the end of the rope and hang on’ shyte… you find me and tell me when it gets this bad and I’ll see what I can do. M’kay?
Love you Lara girl.
Timothy
I made several serious attempts when I was a teenager, but now I have a son, although I sink that low, I don’t think of that route anymore. I just repeat like a mantra, Oscar Wilde’s ‘we may be lying in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars’ and have (another) joint.
I’ve been there. Both places. And I don’t even have any fuckin’ fish in my chart.
Okay, I’m lying, Jupiter in Pieces.
the spiderman2 soundtrack rocks.
dude, everyone said it already, so all I can do is send you some vitual lovin. When you think of reasons not to, add us all to your list, and think of the future because tomorrow is a brand new day.
(((L)))
Yeah, I think like that alot. But, shoot me, I’ve been alot happier, on one level, in the past couple weeks, than the couple years before that. Anyway, Jai keeps me from ever seriously considering following through with the fantasies.
Aww, who am I kidding ?!? I’m just a big chicken shit.
Wheeeeeeee! Life is a roller coaster ride.
I would think it would be strange, for me anyway, not to think about death at least once a week. not that I really do want to kill myself, but somedays man, I can’t stop thinking “what the hell am I doing here?!!” and I have a great life, I live better than the majority of people on the planet and I feel sorry for myself?!!! it seems insane but I don’t think it can be helped. at least not in my head. I’m getting better, and I’ve also found that if I don’t fight the feelings, don’t feel shame, but go into them, explore them, I end up feeling better, sooner. that’s me, anyway.
:lighting a candle in the darkness:
I’m glad you put this out there.
hugs.