October 5, 2004

  • I’m depressed.
    I know it.  I’ve been avoiding accepting it.  I don’t want to take pills for it.  I don’t want to see a therapist.  why?  because I got offa those pills a few years ago, and I know what’s wrong with me.  I’ve had plenty o’ therapy and I’m not interested in starting a new therapeutic relationship right now.


    I know why I make the mistakes I do. 


    why do I feel so horrible?  I feel so horrible because I’m
    grieving
    lonely
    feeling foolish
    angry
    sad
    massively overwhelmed by life
    feeling unlovable


    I appreciate all the wonderful affirmations I have been the recipient of.  the wonderful things you say make me feel so special… for a short time, but let’s face it, depression muffles everything.


    I may not have any other recourse but to start pills again.  if I can’t function I’ll have to get help.  this bites.  why can’t somebody else play my part for a while?  I need an understudy.  fuck.


    and can I just pout here a sec?  nothing stokes your self esteem like hearing yourself compared to someone previously referred to as a “cum trough.”  thanks.  no really, thanks a lot… because you hadn’t done enough already to make me feel like a human being.


    I’ll figure this out.  I always do.  I shouldn’t be allowed to pick my own lovers.  I should be an afterschool special.  maybe something about sterilization and retardation.

Comments (30)

  • Argh. You know I relate, especially on the pills part. I’m not taking anything and I’m struggling, HARD. I hate to know that you’re struggling too…and didn’t need this post to see it, because I see it in the comments you leave.

    I miss you, Lara, and I love you, and I wish I knew what to do to make all of this..some of this…ANY of this better for you. You know where to find me

  • You wouldn’t want me to choose your lovers, are you crazy, sterile and retarded? Lara, you amaze me, you struggle through all of this alone and you are still the tops. I’ll always be an ear and a word for you, won’t stop doing that. You are loved by me.

  • You’re way ahead of most people–you understand yourself. If only more people were like you.

    And as for venting/pouting, what good is a blog if we don’t do that every once in awhile?

  • See, I’m of the mind that if you need some pharmaceutical help to get through the really amazingly difficult times, then by all means do it.  We humans can’t survive if we’re sad all the time.   

  • i’m sorry you’re having such a rough time.

    wish there was more i could say that would make it better, but being depression girl m’self i know that it wouldn’t help much.

    i care.  i’ll leave it at that.

    let us think of naked movie stars.  hell, kelly’s probably seen them all.  ha!

  • I so wish there was something I could do to help. I wish I could bring you a gift of balance, peace,love, joy. I think of you often…and I’m not just saying that because it sounds good either.

  • Sweetie, you know my number.. its still good.  Call if you ever need me to shut up for 10 minutes to listen. 

    I think you are genius!  An understudy?? OMG!! Why didnt I think of that?  I am going to start searching right away..

  • Yeah, I agree. You shouldn’t pick your own lovers. Tell you what. You pick mine and I’ll pick yours. Lovers, you silly goose.

  • I know who james would pick, ahem.

    I won’t waste our time by telling you how great you are, if you can’t hear it, you can’t hear it.

    I will say this though – you are everything you need and have everything in you, right this very second to be happy and wonderful.

  • pout but get your pills.  i know the feeling all too well.  hope you feel better soon.

  • You should definitely not pick your own lovers. But, if you had someone to pick one for you, you wouldn’t need one because the one who picked would be who you sought.

    Steve

  • i’m more depressed ha ha!

  • and send some ru486 damn it!

  • Relationships are such strange things. I still, at 33 years of decrepidness don’t understand what makes one work and another not. It’s almost like a game of chance.

  • Is it too late to call you now?  Um, it’s like 10:04 PM, I just got in from work and you’re not on MSN… fuck.  I so so want to erase the wrongs, the wrong-doer and whatever pain you’re being put through.

    *sigh*

    Yes, Lara my lovely girl, I know exactly how depression can blot, muffle and suppress the good vibe, happy thoughts and love sent your way.  Pills, may be (and I’m not a big proponent of pills myself so this is really saying something) a solution for you if they’ve worked in the past.  Be it known now and forever though… YOU ARE LOVABLE, DESERVING OF LOVE AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AS A PERSON OR AS A WOMAN!!!  And I’ll knock any fool unwise enough to say differ’nt on their ass!  I’m pondering just calling but it’s late and you’ve got the kids in bed ‘n’ all… jeeeez.  This sucks.

    I’ve really gotta meet you up there or you’ve gotta meet me down here some time in the near future so I can just hug the stuffin’s outa you!  Set you straight on just who this Lara chick is and and and… Holy Hannah!  Just to show you how Maude and Timbly will not allow you to see yourself from the disfunctionality of asshats nooooo moooooooooo’!!!

    I love you Lara… no matter what you think, there’s no changing that.  I do.  And um, Harry does too.  Listen to She track 2…  do eeeeeet!!!

    Timothy

  • timmy, with the amount of time you spend typing, do me a favour and send me some ru486.

    thanks.

  • First of all, YOU’RE AWESOME!!!  And lots of people love you.  Secondly, don’t feel ashamed if you have to go back on the pills.  Many people in my family are on them and have voiced the same concerns of frustration that they have to stay on them, but really, it’s brain chemistry–it’s not like something you did wrong.  When I don’t want to have a baby, I take birth control, and when I have a headache I take tylenol.  When your brain chem is whack, you take antidepressants.  Aint no shame in it.

    hugs, hugs, hugs!

  • Unloveable???? Puuuuleeese…. We have never met and I can tell that there are many, many people who love you to death…. Chin up kiddo.. things will get better… they always do….

  • If it means that I do not have to come in here tomorrow then plan away… Wear some steel-toed boots too…

  • A model, idiot.

  • Got nuthin’ for ya but love ‘n’ alcohol. Smooch.

  • RYC: Yes – just warmed up and soft wrapped around some grilled steak or chicken. Really yummy. I literally refused to eat them for years – wouldn’t even eat enchiladas but I’m slowly coming around. Of course they are good fried too, but…

    and, Hugs to you.

  • Its OK, Striver loves you and thats all thats important.

    And cheesecake…

  • adding on the love and tommorow will be singing your praises as alex and I chat over coffee and a hair cutting. love love love you…

  • marry me & we can run away together.  kelly would pick me for you.  i heart you lara.

  • {{{HUGS}}}  I don’t regret having to take my pills, would you regret needing to take insulin if you were a diabetic?  Maybe not the best analogy but I really kinda sorta know how you are feeling….You are a worthwhile person!!! 

    Please hear that…you are worth loving!

  • I know how depression can be. I am done with therapists. If you need the pills again get them. You are a stronger perosn than you realize. You will do what you have to. You are not alone, you have a lot of support here.

  • hey. I’m REALLY glad you’ve gotten yourself some support, a safety net, to help you get back on an even keel. those critical voices about not wanting help are PART of the depression in my experience.

    hang in there.

  • who the FUCK called you a ‘cum trough’. that’s just plain disgusting and horrible. Off to find my virtual voodoo doll.

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