December 7, 2004

• morning.  woke up on the wrong side of my head…

  
  

  part of the problem with getting “better” is that as you heal your psyche decides to let things pop back up, as in, okay, you can handle this now.  let’s hope so. 

  
  

  a few years ago I started weekly therapy.  after years of seeing therapists that didn’t really want to do the work, I found someone outside my insurance network who did.  the bad part was that I had to pay out of pocket.  the good part is that my dx is off the books.  on the books I have Major Depression, from the shrink, who I really thought did a good job.  he got me back functioning and I don’t really think he knew there were further depths to plumb.  most people don’t know what questions to ask, do they?

  
  

  Marion did.  funny, how I found her was a complete fluke and she seemed to have direct line into the center of my problem.  I had classic symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder… not the type where you flashback and relive trauma in an active way, the type where you dissociate, trance out and are unable to remember whole chunks of time.

  
  

  all mo betta now… but.  there’s always a but.  now when something touches a memory I remember it.  sigh.

  
  

  the snow.  thinking about getting up to shovel the driveway, knowing there is a huge plow berm I’ll have to pick away at… realizing I don’t have proper boots.  and then I remember, the snowmobile boots.  I was eight years old in grand forks north dakota…

  
  

  the day’s shot.  I’m going to go shovel out my shit and then come in and Shovel Out My Shit.

  
  

   

  • 1:13 pm
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